


Sanders Sides React To: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

by Kerriathechosen1



Series: Sanders Sides Reactions [5]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Characters Watching Movies, Dark Comedy, Family, Family Bonding, Family Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Movie Night, Reaction, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Dark Sides (Sanders Sides), Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Sympathetic Sides (Sanders Sides), Willy Wonka - Freeform, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:14:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25692637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kerriathechosen1/pseuds/Kerriathechosen1
Summary: The sides watch and react to the movie "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory."
Series: Sanders Sides Reactions [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1735882
Comments: 7
Kudos: 51





	1. Chapter 1

“Finally!” Patton exclaimed. “It’s finally movie night!” He yawned loudly and stretched his arms and legs as far out as they could go.

“No, Patton!” Janus and Virgil cried at once.

“Hm? No what?”

Suddenly everyone in the room was swept by the contagious urge to yawn.

“Now he’s done it,” Virgil groaned in a low voice, before succumbing to the desire to yawn.

“How could you?” Roman shook his head, disappointed, as a yawn escaped him. “How could you do this to us? To your own  _ kids _ ?”

“Sorry!” Patton smiled sheepishly, as he watched all the other sides fall victim to the infectious yawn, some multiple times.

“Think of the children,” Janus told him, shaking his head, feigning sadness.

“Anyway.” Roman shook his head and returned to the matter at hand. “Unfortunately, we’re not watching  _ The Lion King _ , as you’ve suggested during our ‘After Ever After’ watch, Patton--”

“Nothing we  _ ever  _ watch again will top the looks on  _ your  _ faces when Peter Pan admitted to f*cking mermaids and an old lady,” Remus laughed.

“--  _ BUT-- _ !” Roman interrupted, sending his brother a nasty glare.

“Butts?” Remus asked, putting on a mask of confusion. Roman wisely ignored him.

“--  _ I’ve  _ chosen a magnificent movie that I’m certain we all remember just as fondly!” Roman announced. He pressed the on button on the tv, and  _ Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory _ appeared on his Netflix app.

“Ooooh, I love this movie!” Patton exclaimed.

“Ugh. Of course you do.” Janus rolled his eyes, but he had a small smile on his face.

Logan nodded. “I have done some research on this movie and the book some time ago while studying some classical and popular fiction, so please direct any questions my way.”

“Lights!” Roman flicked off the lights. “Camera!” He double-checked that all other tabs were closed except for Netflix, then plopped back on the end of the couch. Virgil sat on the other end with Janus between him and Remus, and Patton sat between Roman and Logan. Roman double-checked that everyone had a drink and access to a blanket, then turned his attention back to the tv. “Action!”

**The first thing they saw on the screen was the “Warners Bros. Pictures” logo.**

“Huh, that takes me back!” Patton grinned at the screen, feeling the nostalgia flood through him. “I wonder what they do now.”

“TimeWarner as a company has since become known as WarnerMedia,” Logan informed him. “It’s currently owned by AT&T, and some of its more well-known assets are HBO, CNN, Cartoon Network, Adult Swim, and Boomerang.”

“It seems like  _ everything  _ is owned by an enormous conglomerate these days,” Janus said.

Virgil shifted in his seat. “I don’t like thinking about that…”

Remus turned and gave him an unsettlingly blank stare. “Virgil. Disney owns us all.”

As if on cue, Virgil shuddered. “Dude. Don’t remind me.”

“I don’t mind being owned by Disney!” Patton piped up. Remus had a gleam in his eyes, but Janus waved his hand and silenced him before he could make a comment that would upset Patton before the movie even started.

**The movie’s beginning credits began to play, with the background imagery being mass-produced chocolate. In the background, the sides could hear the instrumental of “Pure Imagination” and “I’ve Got a Golden Ticket.”** Roman and Patton openly hummed while Remus slapped his thighs to the music. The other three discreetly (and unconsciously, in Logan’s case) tapped along.

**Starring Gene Wilder**

“What a  _ legend _ ,” Roman stated seriously. “No one could have played that role better.”

“Johnny Depp?” Janus suggested. Roman made Offended-Prince-NoisesⓇ until he saw the smirk on Janus’s face and realized he was just being messed with.

“Look at all the melted chocolate!” Patton exclaimed, watching the chocolate being made in the background. Simultaneously, three stomachs began to growl.

Roman groaned and rose to his feet. “Fine, I’ll go get some chocolate.” He trudged into the kitchen as dramatically as possible, resigned to follow their stomach’s command -- even though no one had even brought it up.

“Walter Scharf arranged and composed the orchestral score,” Logan noted -- mostly to himself, as the others were busier focusing on their stomachs and the music. He watched the credits carefully. “The musical numbers, however, were written by Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newley, who worked on songs and episodes for dozens of television shows, such as  _ The Simpsons _ ,  _ Britain’s Got Talent _ , and  _ So You Think You Can Dance _ .”

“Wait, it says screenplay by Roald Dahl,” Virgil pointed out. “He’s the author of the book, right? So why did he change it so much?”

“Roald Dahl was paid $300,000 to write the original draft of the film’s script,” Logan answered. “However, he was uninvolved with the music and there were many changes made to the script afterwards, which he did not appreciate. Furthermore, he despised Gene Wilder in the role of Willy Wonka.”

“He what?!” Roman practically shrieked as he returned to the room with a basket full of chocolate bars. He tossed them out like he was distributing candy at a parade.

“To put it simply, he believed Gene Wilder put on too cheerful and eccentric of a performance. It did not fit the character as he had imagined him while writing his novel.”

“Of course it didn’t!” Virgil snapped. “You can’t just bring a character to life perfectly when they weren’t in the world already to begin with.”

“Furthermore, the NAACP were concerned with the depictions of the Oompa Loompas in the book as reinforcing a stereotype of slavery; thus, the Oompa Loompas were given orange skin, and the film’s name was changed to  _ Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory _ rather than  _ Charlie and the Chocolate Factory _ , to further distinct itself from the book. Dahl had issues with the director as well, and could also have been judgmental about the film because his original Charlie was supposed to be black, and seeing the film may have reminded him of how much of his story was changed by others.” Logan sighed. “Over time, he came to appreciate some of the good that came from the movie, but he still never liked it.”

**At the end of the credits, hundreds of Wonka bars were shown, all wrapped up nicely, before the screen changed and the actual movie began.**

**2:15 in**

**The bell tolled on the screen, marking the end of the school day. Dozens of children raced out of their school in frantic excitement and sprinted all the way to “Bill’s Candy Store,” filling up the previously-empty building. The man behind the counter had clearly been through this many times before, as he already started scanning the shelves for the candy best preferred by each child.**

**“A Triple Cream Cup for Christopher. A Squelchy Snorter for Otis.”** Remus snorted.  **“A sizzler for June Marie.”**

“So he’s just giving them candy for free?” Roman questioned, frowning.

“That can’t be good for business,” Logan replied.

**“And, listen -- Wonka’s got a new one today.”**

“A Scrumdiddlyumptious bar!” Roman recalled. “I even remember how it’s spelled!”

“Get a life,” Virgil said.

“I could say the same for you.”

**“How does he do it?” one of the boys asked.** **  
** **“My dear boy.” The shop owner looked offended. “Do you ask a fish how it swims?”**

**“No.”**

**“Or a bird how it flies?”**

**“No.”**

**“No, sirree, you don’t. They do it because they were born to do it. Just like Willy Wonka was born to be a candy man.”**

Logan quietly fumed in his spot. He vehemently disagreed with those lines. Asking questions was an essential part to gaining knowledge. Blindly accepting the world for what it was, without applying any reasoning to it -- it went against his whole purpose.

**_Who can take a sunrise_ **

**_Sprinkle it in dew_ **

**_Cover it in chocolate_ **

**_and a miracle or two?_ **

“What an iconic and underappreciated song,” Roman moaned.

**_The candyman_ **

**The shop owner took a small scooper and began pouring little candies into the open hands of the children.**

“How can he afford to give away so much free candy?” Logan questioned. “Is this an after-school program of sorts that the richer families pay for? Why does Charlie end up needing to pay later on when none of these kids seem to be giving him change?”

“Playing favorites.” Janus shook his head, tut-tutting. “The world is an unjust place.”

**_The candyman can_ **

**_The candyman can ‘cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good_ **

**_Who can take a rainbow_ **

**_Wrap it in a sigh_ **

**The shop owner picked up one little girl and set her on the chair, then wrapped his arms around the other to the lyrics of “wrap it in a sigh.”**

“I’m calling it right now, that guy’s a pervert!” Remus shouted. “He only touched the girls!”

“How are those children not obese?” Logan questioned.

“Eh, they probably burned off the calories on their run to the candy store,” Roman offered.

“Not with the excessive amount of candy they’re eating, they didn’t,” Logan replied.

**_Soak it in the sun_ **

**_and make a strawberry lemon pie?_ **

**_Children: The candyman?_ **

**_Bill: The candyman_ **

**_The candyman can_ **

**_The candyman can ‘cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good_ **

**The shop owner started grabbing handfuls of candy from a top shelf and showering them down upon the children.**

“Does he not care about all the candy being wasted on the floor?” Logan questioned.

**_Willy Wonka makes_ **

**_Everything he bakes_ **

**_Satisfying and delicious_ **

**_Talk about your childhood wishes_ **

**_You can even eat the dishes_ **

“Foreshadowing!” Janus pointed out.

“Do we  _ always  _ need to point out foreshadowing?” Patton asked, as he hummed along to the song.

“Yes,” everyone else replied at once, giving him a serious nod.

“Okay then…”

“I’m starting to realize your point, Logan.” Roman watched uncomfortably as the children on the screen ransacked his store, taking not only the horrifying amount of candy thrown at them, but also candy from jars they could reach, lollipops, gumballs, shakes, and other candy of various kinds.

“There’s no way these children eat dinner,” Logan stated.

“That’s more than I eat on Halloween,” Patton said, laughing awkwardly.

**_Who can take tomorrow_ **

**_Dip it in a dream_ **

**_Separate the sorrow_ **

**_And collect up all the cream?_ **

**_The candyman_ **

“Why is he letting them behind the counter?!” Virgil looked frustrated.

“He’s  _ definitely  _ a pedophile,” Remus said. “Also, did you see him bonk that girl on the head?!”

**_Children: Willy Wonka can_ **

**_Bill: The candyman can ‘cause he mixes it with love_ **

**_And makes the world taste good_ **

**_And the world tastes good ‘cause the candyman thinks it should_ **

**As he sang the final line, the camera turned its attention on Charlie, who was standing outside and looking in through the window, looking upset and somewhat jealous.**

“Why doesn’t he just go in?!” Roman exclaimed.

“Perhaps the candy man was keeping tabs?” Janus suggested.

“Or maybe Charlie was ashamed of his poverty and didn’t feel right about getting hand-outs?” Patton brought up.

“Or maybe the whole scene was simply in his imagination?” Logan offered.

“ _ Ooooor _ , he’s just smart enough to know that guy’s a perv!”

“Remus, stop it! The candy man is a good man!” Roman insisted.

**Charlie went to the newspaper man, took his pay, and skillfully threw some newspapers in baskets for delivery.** Remus giggled, imagining Charlie making a slight aiming error and whacking someone in the face with the paper.  **Charlie then passed by Wonka’s fence.**

“It doesn’t look  _ that  _ tall,” Roman said. “Someone could climb through or over that. Charlie’s almost skinny enough.”

**A strange man with a cart of sharp knives spoke up from behind Charlie, making him jump.** **“Up the airy mountain, down the rushing glen, we dare not go a-hunting, for fear of little men.”**

“Well, that’s certainly not a creepy or out-of-place rhyme,” Janus said sarcastically.

**“You see… Nobody ever goes in. And nobody ever comes out.” With that, the strange man who appeared took his cart and began pushing it in the opposite direction.**

“Why does he have a cart of sharp knives and stuff?” Patton asked, unsettled.

“And why did he have to speak so ominously?” Roman agreed.

**The scene switched to Charlie’s home, where the four grandparents were in bed. Grandma Josephine and Grandpa Joe were awake, but the other two grandparents were fast asleep. Charlie’s mother walked around the bed, listening as Grandpa Joe complained about how hard Charlie had to work.**

“The father is dead in this version,” Logan noted. “He’s still alive in the book and the other movie.”   
“We don’t speak of that one,” Roman replied, waving his arm like he was doing the Jedi mind trick.

“Was it really that bad?” Patton asked, tilting his head to the side. “I thought it was good.”

“Either way, Charlie’s mom is the real MVP.” Virgil frowned. “Working to support yourself  _ and  _ four elderly,  _ and  _ a child? All on your own?”

**Charlie entered the house and kissed all his grandparents, though it was clear his favorite was Grandpa Joe. Then he revealed the bread he’d bought for the family to have for dinner along with cabbage water and gave the rest of the money to his mother -- except for the small bit he had left, which he gave to his Grandpa Joe to buy his tobacco.**

“What a good boy!” Patton cried.

“Wait -- Charlie did say this was his first payday, correct?” Logan frowned. “But didn’t his grandfather just say he worked too hard?”

**“When a loaf of bread looks like a banquet, I’ve no right buying tobacco,” Grandpa Joe stated.** **  
** “True,” the sides chorused.

“Then why have you still been buying it all these years?!” Roman shouted.

“Addiction is difficult to overcome,” Janus replied. “Especially at that age. It might have been too hard on him to go through withdrawal, and Charlie clearly doesn’t mind, as long as he has his grandfather with him and they’re both reasonably happy.”

**In the next scene, Charlie and Grandpa Joe were up late while the others were asleep. Charlie told him about what he’d learned by Wonka’s gates, and Grandpa Joe foreshadowed Slugworth’s role and added to the mystery of who was helping Willy Wonka in his factory. The scene then shifted immediately to Charlie at school being called up to the teacher’s desk to help with an experiment.**

**“-- but mixed together in the right way, as only I know how, what do you think it makes?”** **  
** **“I don’t know, sir,” Charlie answered brightly.**

**“Of course you don’t know. You don’t know because only I know,” the teacher, Mr. Turkentine, responded. “If you knew and I didn’t know, then you’d be teaching me instead of me teaching you. And for a student to teach his teacher is presumptuous and rude. … Do I make myself clear?”**

**“Yes, sir.” Some of the students could be heard laughing in the background.**

“That teacher’s a dick!” Remus exclaimed cheerfully.

“You’re not wrong,” Roman mumbled.

**After pouring in the mixtures, the teacher was distracted by loud noises in the hallway. He opened the door and called in one of the boys, who he called “Winklemann.”**

“That’s the boy from the candy store!” Patton pointed out.

**“Willy Wonka’s opening his factory! He’s gonna let people in!”**

**“Are you sure?” the teacher demanded.** **  
** **“It’s on the radio and he’s giving truckloads of chocolate away!”**

**“Class dismissed!” the teacher shouted, grabbing his coat from where it was hung up.**

**“No, no, it’s only for five people!” the little boy exclaimed, as all the students rose from their seats.**

“It’s interesting that we don’t see Charlie’s perspective during all this,” Logan noted. “We don’t see Charlie because we are seeing what the rest of the world sees, and Charlie is invisible to everyone else.”

“Does he not have friends?” Patton asked sympathetically.

“Apparently not.”

**“Class undismissed.”**

**“He’s sending five golden tickets and the people who find them will win the big prize.”**

**“Where has he hidden the tickets?”**

**“Inside five Wonka bars! You’ve gotta buy Wonka bars to find ‘em!” With that, the boy turned around and ran out of the classroom.**

**“Class redismissed!”**

**The teacher and all of his students scurried out of the classroom, off to get their money and purchase as many Wonka bars as they could. Charlie, however, was the lone exception. He walked slowly to his seat and gathered his belongings.**

“He knows he doesn’t have a chance,” Patton whined. “Poor thing!”

“And there’s a million things he hasn’t done,” Roman sang. “But just you wait.”

“Just you wait,” the sides all sang together, some with annoyed looks on their faces, as if they’d been forced to join in.

**The screen switched to a news channel that explained the whole contest. Charlie and his family were watching the broadcast from home. Then it showed a man speaking to a therapist about a dream in which he was told where he could find a golden ticket.**

“Are adults even allowed to win the ticket?” Virgil asked. “I mean, it never explicitly says it  _ has  _ to be a kid, does it?”

**The first ticket was revealed to have been found overnight in the small town of Duselheim, Germany by the son of the town’s butcher, Augustus Gloop. He was pigging out at the table while reporters tried to ask him questions. When his mother finally started speaking into the microphone, a suspicious man approached Augustus and began whispering in his ear, as sinister music began to play in the background.**

“I forgot how much mystery and creepiness this movie had,” Patton admitted.

“Just wait for the boat ride!” Remus laughed. Patton blanched.

**The next scene showed Charlie celebrating his birthday with his family. His grandmothers knit him a scarf while his grandfathers put their little money together to get him a Wonka bar. Charlie opened it slowly, hoping to find a golden ticket inside, but it only had chocolate. He then tried to break off pieces of his chocolate bar and share it with his family, but they each refused.**

“He is such a good boy,” Patton exclaimed.

“He certainly is a saint compared to everyone else in this movie.” Roman paused. “Except maybe his mom. Though I’m not sure you can compare the two.”

**The next scene was in the Salt nut shelling factory, in which the female workers were unwrapping chocolate bars as fast as they could.**

“Look at all the good chocolate they’re wasting!” Roman cried.

“I hope they don’t throw  _ all  _ that out,” Patton said slowly.

“Most of the Wonka Bars in the movie were props made from wood and covered with wrappers,” Logan replied. “So there wasn’t a large waste of chocolate in terms of candy bars being left out.”

**“I wanted to be the first to find a golden ticket, daddy!” Veruca whined.**

**“I know, angel.”**

“She is very much  _ not  _ an angel,” Logan muttered.

**“We’re doing the best we can.”**

“ _ Too _ much,” Janus remarked. “She’s the worst of the bunch.”

“She’s awful,” Patton murmured.

**They watched Veruca being a spoiled brat to her father and spinning in her chair while she complained to him. He explained that he’d been making his workers search for five days and that they were ignoring their actual jobs for Veruca, but she didn’t care in the slightest. Eventually, however, one of the women found the ticket and was led up the stairs to Veruca by the suspicious man who had been seen with Augustus. He began whispering to her as they walked, while her parents relaxed.**

“How did he know where to be?” Roman asked, confused. “He was right there -- there’s no way that was coincidence.”

**“Happiness is what counts with children,” the woman with her father -- possibly her mother -- stated. “Happiness and harmony.”**

The room resounded with snorts and laughter.

**The next scene was brief, involving a man who created a machine to reveal where the next golden ticket could be found. The sides all got a kick out of the final line by the inventor, who grumbled, “I am now telling the computer exactly what he can do with a lifetime supply of chocolate!”**

**The scene changed to Charlie watching the tv at home again, as the third ticket was found by Violet Beauregarde.**

“Why does he still have a tv?” Virgil asked. “Couldn’t he sell it for more money for his family?”

“Entertainment  _ does  _ have its values,” Janus replied. “In a hopeless case such as theirs, that little money would go away too soon, and they wouldn’t get much in the long run. But the tv gives them hope and keeps them from going insane from boredom. Twenty years in bed would do that to a person, without any entertainment.”

“I think Violet is… slightly better than Veruca?” Patton tilted his head to the side, deep in thought.

“She’s more  _ physically  _ disgusting,” Remus replied.

“That’s it!” Roman nodded. “Putting gum behind her ear, then putting it back in her mouth?” He pretended to gag.

**After watching Violet explain about her ticket and the suspicious man whispering in her ear, the scene shifted to Charlie’s mother at work washing clothes.**

**“Charlie, what are you doing here?”**

**“I thought if you were ready, I’d walk you home,” he replied.**

“What. A. Good. Boy.” Patton clapped his hands between each word.

“And what. A. Hot. Mom.” Remus responded, clapping the same way.

“Ewww. Gross.” Roman shoved him, his face scrunched up in disgust.

**Charlie’s mother told him to stay and tell her about school while she worked. He brought up the golden ticket news and how there were only two left, and how unlikely it was that he would win.**

**“Charlie, there are a hundred billion people in this world, and only five of them will find golden tickets.”**

“Falsehood,” Logan stated. “There are hundreds of  _ millions  _ of people in the world, but only roughly 7.5  _ billion _ .”

**“Even if you had a sackful of money, you probably wouldn’t find one. And after this contest is over, you’ll be no different from the billions of others who didn’t find one.”**

**“But I** **_am_ ** **different. I want it more than any of them!” he argued.**

“And you deserve it more,” Roman replied.   
**“Charlie, you’ll get your chance,” his mother reassured him. “One day, things will change.”**

**“When?” Charlie asked desperately. “When will they change?”**

**“Probably when you least expect it.” She placed a kiss on his cheek and sent him off, watching him as he sadly walked off into the darkness.**

**_You get blue like everyone_ **

Roman perked up instantly and wrapped an arm around Patton before singing along.  **“But me and grandpa Joe--”**

Patton giggled and joined in.  **“Can make your troubles go away~”** Roman extended his arm upward.  **“Blow away~”** Roman let his arms fall slowly.  **“There they go…”**

“Please,  _ no _ ,” Virgil groaned.

Roman and Patton suddenly turned and reached out for him.  **“Cheer up, Charlie~”**

“You asked for it,” Janus said with a slight grin.

**“Give me a smile.”** Patton pointed to his face. Roman took his fingers and hooked them against the corners of his mouth, forcibly pulling them up into a smile.  **“What happened to the smile I used to know?”**

Patton climbed across the couch toward Virgil, who made a break for the stairs. Unfortunately for him, Janus and Remus were already standing in the way, and before he could change direction, they hooked his arms in theirs and dragged him kicking and cursing back to the couch.  **“Don’t you know your grin has always been my sunshine? Let that sunshine show.”** Patton reached out for Virgil as he was dumped back onto the cushions and began fluffing his hair while he grumbled.

**“Come on, Charlie,”** Roman encouraged, hopping to his feet and standing in front of him.  **“No need to frown.”** He did the reverse of his earlier action, pulling his mouth into a frown with his fingers.  **“Deep down, you know the world is still your toy.”**

“I’m so going to scare the life out of you next Halloween,” Virgil hissed.

Patton sighed, continuing to thread his fingers through the soft hair.  **“When the world gets heavy, never pit-a-pat ‘em. Up and at ‘em, boy.”**

“I didn’t ask to be subjected to this,” Logan stated, his eyes narrowed. Roman turned his attention on him then, strutting his way over to the chair where Logan was sitting.

“I think you  _ just  _ asked for it,” Remus giggled.

**“Some day, sweet as a song,”** Roman sang, spinning once in a circle as he walked.  **“Charlie’s lucky day will come along.”** He skipped a few steps.

**“Till that day, you’ve got to stay in strong, Charlie.”** Patton pulled away and made Virgil look at his face.  **“Up on top is right where you belong.”**

Virgil groaned as he felt his cheeks burning. “Come on, Patton, this is just embarrassing now,” he pleaded, turning his eyes to glare at Janus, who was observing him with a smirk on his face.

**“Look up, Charlie.”** Roman placed one hand on Logan’s shoulder and gestured to the ceiling with another. Suddenly, the ceiling turned into the night sky.  **“You’ll see a star.”** Logan found himself staring at the ceiling in wonder and concealed excitement, as he tested himself on his knowledge of the constellations and stars above.  **“Just follow it and keep your dreams in view!”**

**“Pretty soon, the sky is going to clear up, Charlie.”** Patton finally heeded Virgil’s wishes and crawled off the couch, racing over to glomp Roman as he pulled away from Logan. They pulled each other into a side-hug and chorused,  **“Cheer up, Charlie, do!”**

“If Roman were in Charlie’s situation, he  _ definitely  _ wouldn’t cheer up just from that,” Virgil scowled. “Mister ‘chase your dreams until they flop.’”

“Let him pretend,” Janus replied.

**“Cheer up, Charlie. Just be glad you’re you.”**

Janus gave them a polite golf clap. “Wonderful. Now, please get out of my way so I can actually watch the entertainment  _ worth  _ watching.”

“Ohhhhh!” Virgil couldn’t hide his smirk as Roman and Patton went back to their seats.

“Shots fired!” Remus conjured up an air horn and began blasting its sound.

**The next golden ticket was found by Mike Teavee, who refused to turn off his tv for an interview. He took out a toy gun and fired it at the tv.**

“Hey, look, it’s that guy!” Roman pointed at one of the faces holding a microphone -- the suspicious man who had talked to all of the golden ticket finders.

**“Wait till I get a real one,” Mike said. “Colt .45. Pop won’t let me have one yet, will you, pop?”**

**Mike’s father was lounging beside him, smiling with some magazine or newspaper in his lap. “Not till you’re 12, son,” he replied.**

“Isn’t 12 a bit young, though?” Patton asked, frowning.

**The suspicious man started whispering to Mike, and then the scene shifted to the tv reporter, and then back to Charlie. He and his Grandpa Joe were up late at night while the rest of the family was asleep.**

**“Why’d you wake me up, grandpa? Is something wrong?”**

**Grandpa Joe pulled out a Wonka bar from under his pillow.**

**“Grandpa, that money was for tobacco,” Charlie admonished.**

**“I told you, Charlie, I’ve given it up.”**

“Good on you, grandpa!” Patton said, clapping. “Glad to see some morality in this household.”

“Good grief,” Janus groaned.

**“Go on, open it. One ticket left -- now let’s see some of that gold.”**

“I love watching the moment  _ aaaaaall  _ their hopes and dreams go down the toilet,” Remus giggled. “Look, look.” They started to unwrap the chocolate bar.

“You’re mental,” Roman muttered, taking a bite out of his own bar.

**“You know, I bet those golden tickets make the chocolate taste terrible,” Charlie said, after staring at the opened wrapper for a minute. Grandpa Joe pulled him into a hug.**

Patton awwed. “They have such a loving relationship.”

**The next scene was the auction for the case of Wonka bars, which the Queen herself showed up to purchase.**

“Poor old saps who aren’t royalty.” Remus nudged the other side of creativity. “Sucks to be them, right?” Roman rolled his eyes.

**The scene that followed was a woman whose husband had been kidnapped and was being held for ransom by people who wanted her case of Wonka bars. She asked for more time to think it over.**

“That relationship isn’t gonna last,” Virgil remarked.

Roman huffed a sigh. “Well, you’re right about that.”

**The third segment involved the news of the fifth golden ticket being found in South America by a multi-millionaire casino owner. The Bucket family watched the news on the tv.**

**“Turn it off,” Grandpa Joe commanded. Charlie’s mom did as instructed. “Well, that’s that.” He sounded defeated. “No more golden tickets.”** **  
** **“A lot of rubbish, the whole thing,” said Grandma Josephine.** **  
** **“Not to Charlie, it wasn’t. A little boy’s got to have something in this world to hope for,” Grandpa Joe said firmly. “What’s he got to hope for now?”**

“Money?” Janus suggested.

“A girlfriend?”

Logan sighed. “Roman, I doubt Charlie cares in the slightest about romance at his age.”

**“Who’s going to tell him?” Grandma Georgina asked.**

**“Let’s not wake him,” Charlie’s mother decided. “He’ll find out soon enough.” However, the camera panned over to where Charlie was sleeping, showing that he was awake the whole time, crying silently.**

“That’s rough, buddy,” Virgil muttered.

**“Yeah, let him sleep. Let him have one last dream.”**

**The next scene was Charlie back in his class again, learning division. The students were called upon to answer how many chocolate bars they’d bought, and they gave large numbers such as 100 and 150, while Charlie’s honest answer was simply 2.**

**After class, he found a large coin on his way home, in a gutter. He reached down and pulled it out excitedly, then went straight for the candy store.**

“His one selfish decision, and he wins a lifetime supply of chocolates,” Janus said, amused. “This movie seems to be talking about selflessness, but none of this would have happened had Charlie not decided first to take money he found lying on the ground, and secondly to use that money on his own desires rather than the needs of him or his family.”

Patton frowned. “I see your point, but… It’s only because he’s selfless that he ends up winning the factory.”

**“I’d like a bar of chocolate, please,” Charlie told the shop owner. There was only one other child in there, and he was busy eating what looked like ice cream or a sundae.**

**“Sure. What kind? A Slugworth Sizzler? A Wonka Scrumdiddlyumptious?” he asked.**

**“Whatever’s the biggest,” Charlie replied.**

**“Try a Wonka Scrumdiddlyumptious.” The man handed him a chocolate bar and Charlie began unwrapping it immediately. “Now that all the tickets have been found, I don’t have to hide them anymore.” Charlie put in a huge block in his mouth, barely giving himself enough time to chew. He nearly forgot to pay the man back.**

“That poor boy must be starving,” Patton whimpered.   
“All the gorging Augustus Gloop does, and this boy can’t eat much more than cabbage water for dinner.” Roman shook his head. “The nerve.”

“This problem still exists in our modern world,” Logan said. “Children are starving in other countries, while we sit here and eat pizza. It’s one of the tragic facts of life.”

**After a moment of thought, Charlie decided to buy another bar for his Grandpa Joe, which ended up being a normal Wonka bar, rather than a Scrumdiddlyumptious. As he was leaving the building, a commotion could be heard outside.**

**“That gambler from Paraguay made up a phony ticket,” A man said.**

**“That means there’s one golden ticket still floating around somewhere.”** **  
** **“Can you imagine the nerve of that guy, trying to fool the whole world?”**

**Charlie began to walk away, hope beginning to bloom on his face.**

“Imagine how crushed he would be if he hadn’t found the ticket,” Remus exclaimed.

“That would be horrible…”

“And he only won the second ticket because of his selfless desire to give to his grandfather!” Roman stated. “So, take that, you snake!”

**Charlie slowly opened up the chocolate bar’s wrapper and found the golden ticket. He dropped the chocolate on the ground and held the ticket up high in the air, smiling wide as he rejoiced in his discovery. He was dragged into the middle of a crowd of people, all struggling to see the ticket, but the newspaper man he worked for helped him out of it.**

**“Run for it, Charlie! Run straight home, and don’t stop until you get there!” the man yelled. Charlie didn’t have to be told twice. Triumphant music played as he raced home.**

**The suspicious man, however, managed to stand in his way once he was almost there, congratulating him on finding the golden ticket.**

“This guy is good at playing a slimy, untrustworthy businessman,” Virgil said.

**“Arthur Slugworth, president of Slugworth Chocolates, Incorporated. Now, listen carefully, because I’m going to make you very rich indeed.”**

“Because that doesn’t sound sketchy at all!” Roman said sarcastically.

**Slugworth finished telling Charlie about the Everlasting Gobstopper that he was to give him, in exchange for enough money to get a new home for his family to live in comfort for the rest of their lives. Charlie then turned around and raced all the way back home.**

“There’s no way he’d ever do it,” Roman scoffed. “He’s too good a person.”

**Charlie rushed into his house and started shrieking about the golden ticket. He displayed it to them when they didn’t believe him.**

**“‘Greetings to you, the lucky finder of this golden ticket, from Mr. Willy Wonka!’” read Grandpa Joe. “‘Present this ticket at the factory gates at 10:00 in the morning of the first day of October, and do not be late. You may bring with you one member of your own family, but no one else. In your wildest dreams, you could not imagine the marvelous surprises that await you!’ Charlie, you’ve done it!” The rest of his family members smiled at Charlie, sharing in his excitement.**

**“I can’t believe it,” Charlie said.**

“Yeah, I wouldn’t either,” Virgil replied.   
**“Grandpa, it says I can take somebody with me. I wish you could go.”**

**Grandpa Joe’s smile fell off his face immediately. The camera zoomed out.**

“You can practically see him thinking,” Roman said, pointing at his face.

**Grandpa Joe threw the blanket off of him and gestured to Charlie to help him move off the bed. He stood up for the first time in years, and smiled warmly as the thought must’ve occurred to him, but as soon as Charlie let go, he fell right back down on the bed.**

“His face is red from exertion. That’s a nice detail,” Logan mumbled.

**The next minute was spent with Charlie helping his Grandpa Joe to stand up again and remain standing. “Look at me!” he’d exclaimed excitedly.**

“Musical number coming up,” Janus mumbled to Virgil.

**_I never thought my life could be_ **

**_Anything but catastrophe_ **

“That’s a massive oof right there,” Virgil mumbled. “Relatable, though.”

**_But suddenly I begin to see_ **

**_A bit of good luck for me_ **

“Technically, it’s Charlie’s luck.” Roman paused. “Wait, surely he could’ve gotten up just fine without a golden ticket!”

“Maybe he couldn’t find a reason to,” Patton replied. “He didn’t have hope moving him forward.”

“But -- but half an hour ago he was passionately telling the others Charlie worked too hard! He could have been helping out!”

Virgil rolled his eyes. “He’s an old man. Cut him some slack.”

**_'Cause I've got a golden ticket_ **

**_I've got a golden twinkle in my eye_ **

“Oooh, you ever try that, Ro-Ro Your Boat?” Remus waved a hand in front of his eye, and when the hand was no longer blocking it, his iris was suddenly gold. He popped the eye out and threw it at Roman, who shrieked and jumped on Patton to dodge the eye. Remus started cackling in amusement.

“Remus.” Janus gave a weary sigh. “Go rinse out your eye and put it back in.”

Remus pouted. “Why do I have to rinse it?” In an instant, the eye was being held between his thumb and forefinger. “Five second rule, right?”

“Remus.” Logan and Janus gave him a pointed look. He huffed and sunk out.

Roman began singing along to the music. “ **I never had a chance to shine, never a happy song to sing. But suddenly half the world is mine -- what an amazing thing!”**

“What would you do with half the world?” Virgil sneered.

“I would create a utopia!” Roman cried, raising his sword up in the air.

“Utopias are highly improbable,” Logan remarked. “It’s far more likely it would quickly become a dystopia, and it would probably not survive for more than a century. Even if it did, it would not be a place anyone would wish to live.”

**_'Cause I've got a golden ticket_ **

**_[Spoken] It's ours, Charlie!_ **

**_[Sung] I've got a golden sun up in the sky_ **

“Comparing the golden ticket to the sun is his way of subtly stating that the ticket has given him life. He has more energy than he’s had for the past twenty years.”

**_I never thought I'd see the day_ **

**_When I would face the world and say_ **

**“Good morning!”** Roman and Patton chorused.  **“Look at the sun!”**

**_I never thought that I would be_ **

**_Slap in the lap of luxury_ **

“Look who’s back!” Remus reappeared in the living room with a dramatic flair. His eye was now back in its socket, but the one he’d removed was still gold while the other retained its normal color.

“Are you going to act appropriately now?” Roman asked.

“Of  _ course _ , brother dear!” Remus grinned in a way that told Roman he meant the opposite.

**_'Cause I'd have said:_ **

**_Charlie: It couldn't be done_ **

**_Grandpa Joe: But it can be done_ **

“But it can be doooooooone,” Roman sang.

“Wrong verse, ya dork.” Remus bonked him on the head with the opposite end of his morningstar.

“Hey!” Roman protested, though there was amusement, not anger, in his eyes.

**_I never dreamed that I would climb_ **

**_Over the moon in ecstasy_ **

**_But nevertheless, it's there that I'm_ **

**_Shortly about to be_ **

**_Grandpa Joe and Charlie: 'Cause I've got a golden ticket_ **

**_I've got a golden chance to make my way_ **

**_And with a golden ticket, it's a golden day_ **

“They’re really overhyping this,” Virgil stated. Everyone else looked at him like he was crazy.

“Virgil, all their dreams are coming true!” Roman shouted, waving his arms frantically.

“Look.” Virgil raised his hands in defeat. “All I’m saying is, that factory is not safe for children.”

“It’s safe from bratty children,” Roman responded.

“Oh,  _ suuure _ , Princey,” Virgil taunted. “But if you were one of those five, you would definitely break the rules.”

Roman tried to make a comeback, but he ended up just opening and closing his mouth like a fish.

“He’s got you there,” Janus said with a smirk.

“W-Well -- I’d be like Charlie!” Roman cried. “He broke the rules, and he turned out fine!”

“YOU  _ STOLE  _ FIZZY LIFTING DRINKS!” Remus exclaimed.

“You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get  _ nothing _ !” Janus shouted, pointing at Roman. “You lose! Good  _ day _ , sir!”

Roman looked unimpressed. “You done?”

Remus rolled his eyes and flicked him in the forehead.

**_Grandpa Joe: [Spoken] Good morning, look at the sun!_ **

**_Grandpa Joe and Charlie: [Sung] 'Cause I'd have said,_ **

**_It couldn't be done_ **

**“But it can be done!”** Roman sang alongside Grandpa Joe. “Everybody!”

“No,” Janus and Virgil said at once.   
“I’d rather not,” Logan replied.

**“I never dreamed that I would climb over the moon in ecstasy. But nevertheless, it's there that I'm shortly about to be.”** Roman, Remus, and Patton stood up and linked arms, kicking out their legs simultaneously. “ **'Cause I've got a golden ticket! 'Cause I've got a golden ticket! I've got a golden chance to make my way! And with a golden ticket, it's a golden day!”**

“End my existence, now,” Virgil drawled.

**“It says the first of October! That’s tomorrow,” Charlie’s mom realized, as she read the details on the ticket.**

**“Jumping crocodiles, Charlie -- we’ve got a lot to do!” Grandpa Joe remarked. “Comb your hair, wash your face, polish your shoes, wash you--”**

**“I’ll take care of everything,” Charlie’s mother reassured him.**

**“We don’t have too much time,” he stressed.**

**“Grandpa.” Charlie looked up at him seriously. “On the way home today, I ran into Mr. Slugworth.”**

A second later, horn music was blaring from the screen, making Roman jump. “Whoa.” He forced a laugh. “Those transitions are… uh… Not transitions.”

“Time to go to the factory!” Patton exclaimed. “Don’t you just love the chocolate room?”

“The best character is about to arrive,” Janus said matter-of-factly, as he switched his position so one leg was crossed over the other.

“All the best is yet to come!” Roman looked about to fall out of his seat in excitement.

“Next time, on Dragon Ball Z!” Remus quoted into a megaphone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Brass horns began playing celebratory music as hundreds of people crowded the gates to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory, the five children and their chosen parental figure included. People were trying to sell ice cream and peanuts on the street.**

“I forgot how long it takes until they get inside the factory,” Virgil said.

“It  _ is  _ rather interesting that Gene Wilder doesn’t appear until 45 minutes into the film -- especially considering how the film is named after his character, rather than Charlie.”

**Mike suddenly shot straight up and tugged on his mom’s sleeve. “Hey, mom, we’re on tv!” He jumped to his feet and started waving at the screen. “Hi everybody in Marble Falls! Hi, Billy! Hi, Maggie! Hi, Fishface! How do I look?”**

“Fishface?” Roman’s face twisted in disgust.

“Ooh, I can imagine how that would look,” Remus said, grinning excitedly and raising an arm. “Roman, you always wanted to be a  _ model _ , right?”

“Not  _ your  _ model,” he replied gruffly, pushing his arm down.

**“Now, this is it, folks. This is the big day -- the historical day on which Willy Wonka has promised to open his gates and shower gifts on the five lucky winners. From all over the globe, people have gathered here, waiting for the hour to strike, waiting to catch a glimpse of the legendary magician, Mr. Willy Wonka.”**

**From the reporter, the camera moved to look at the clock tower, and then down at Violet Beauregarde and her father, who was still trying to promote his business whenever the microphones came his way. Violet taunted her friend Cornelia again into the cameras.**

**“I want to go in first, before anybody else!” Veruca cried.**

**“Anything you say, sweetheart.”**

“For once, she’s the least annoying of the bunch,” Virgil stated. “Still annoying, but at least she’s being quiet about it.”   
**Then the camera moved on to focus on Augustus, who was eating a donut. His mother noticed it and took it away, saying, “Leave some room for later, Augustus, Liebling.”**

“... Never mind,  _ he’s  _ the least annoying.”

“You know, if he wasn’t so driven by food that he ignored everything but that drive, he wouldn’t be so bad at all,” Roman suggested.

“Yeah, well you could say that about any of them, couldn’t you?”

“Not really. Take away Mike’s obsession with tv and he’s still a violent risk-taker -- he wants a gun before the age of 12! Take away Violet’s obsession with gum and she still backtalks her mother and makes fun of her so-called ‘friend’ on live tv. Augustus doesn’t seem to do anything wrong except for when it comes to food.”

“However, is that a positive toward Augustus, or a negative toward his character for being bland and one-dimensional?” Logan asked.

**Meanwhile, Charlie and Grandpa Joe excitedly stated their disbelief at being able to go in the factory and see Willy Wonka.**

“All the others have a vain attachment -- television fame and popularity, being number one, excessive amounts of food -- all except Charlie and his grandfather. It’s absolutely no surprise that they win.”

**Just then, the bell started to toll. Everyone jumped to attention and started watching the door to the factory expectantly, waiting for the man of the hour to show up. It took some time, but eventually the right door swung open. A man emerged from the left, dressed in a purple coat, white pants, white gloves, and a brown top hat. He held a cane in his right hand, which he leaned on as he slowly stumbled down the stairs and down the red carpet that led from his door to the gates.**

**Immense cheering and applauding happened when he revealed himself. But as he slowly limped down the carpet, the happiness quickly died down, replaced by concern and confusion as the man stared at them with a frown.**

“One of the best character introductions in film history,” Roman stated, in a tone that clearly said he didn’t want anyone to try and argue with him.

**All the lucky students stood and watched as Mr. Willy Wonka moved closer, and slowly took off his hat as he reached the final stretch to the gates. Children were standing with their heads pushed between the bars, waiting with serious, expectant looks on their faces. Mr. Wonka’s cane, which he had been leaning on with every step, was left behind, stuck in the cobblestone beside the carpet. He stopped immediately on his next step, opening and closing his hand, like he was grasping for the cane. Slowly, his body toppled forward, accelerating with gravity as he fell -- but then he rolled right back onto his feet and hopped in the air, a playful smile crossing his face.**

“Supposedly, Gene Wilder only agreed to take on the role of Willy Wonka if he was allowed to limp, then suddenly somersault in this scene when first meeting the children. He claimed that, from this moment on, no one would ever know if Wonka was lying or telling the truth,” Logan explained.

“Some of the best moments in film are the ones that don’t originate in the script,” Roman said.

“Ain’t that the truth!” Remus shouted.

**The worried frowns turned into bright smiles and laughter as the applause kicked back in. Wonka stood in the opening of one half of the gates, addressing the audience with a raised hand and a few thank-yous. “Welcome, my friends,” he said. Behind the gates, the crowd of people had split into two, allowing for a clear path toward the five lucky winners and their parents. “Welcome to my chocolate factory.” Wonka gestured toward the lucky winners who stood further down the open aisle. “Would you come forward, please?”**

**Immediately, the children and their parents rushed forward. Veruca and her father fought to be the first in line, and she raced forward excitedly to be the first to greet Mr. Wonka. Charlie noticed Slugworth standing in the crowd and pointed him out to his father as they moved down the aisle.**

**“Welcome. It’s nice to have you here,” Mr. Wonka greeted once again. “I’m so glad you could come. This is going to be such an exciting day. I hope you enjoy it.” He paused, glancing down at the guests, and nodded. “I think you will.”**

“Well, you’d better think again,” Roman said in a haughty voice.

**“And now, will you please show me your golden tickets?”**

**Veruca stepped forward and handed her ticket to Mr. Wonka. “I’m Veruca Salt!” she declared.**

**“My dear Veruca, what a pleasure!” Mr. Wonka exclaimed, taking the ticket and shaking her hand vigorously. “And how pretty you look in that lovely mink coat.”**

**“I’ve got three others at home,” she responded.**

“Oh yes, because that makes you seem oh-so-fit to run his factory,” Janus drawled.

**Mr. Wonka shook Mr. Salt’s hand and exchanged pleasantries before moving on to the next in line.**

**“Augustus Gloop!” the boy said.**

**“Augustus, my dear boy! How good to see you! And in such fine shape.”**

The creative twins snorted in unison.   
**“And this must be the radiant Mrs. Gloop. Just over there, dear lady.”**

“Even  _ she  _ seems more respectable than any of the other parents here,” Logan stated.

“If we were to rank them from worst to best, it would be Veruca, then Mike, then Violet, then Augustus, and at the top, Charlie,” Roman said decidedly.

**“Violet Beauregarde.” The girl was still chewing her gum as she introduced herself.**

**“Darling child, welcome to Wonka’s!”** **  
** **“What kinda gum you got here?” she asked.**

**“Charming! Charming.” He brushed off her question.**

“Rude,” Virgil commented.

“Well, he  _ is  _ still in front of a crowd,” Logan reasoned. “It would be detrimental to his business for him to spill his secrets in public rather than in the privacy of his factory.”

**“Sam Beauregade here, Mr. Wonka!” Violet’s father started shaking his hand aggressively. He gave Mr. Wonka his business card and started advertising.**

“Does that man do anything else with his life?” Virgil complained.

**“I’m Mike Teavee.” The little boy then pointed his toy gun at Wonka’s gut. “Wham!” Wonka pretended to be shot. “You’re dead!”**

**“Wonderful to meet you, Mike!” Wonka shook his hand like it was a completely ordinary introduction, then greeted his mother.**

Patton blinked. “Well, he handled that like he’d seen it a thousand times before.”

**Then Charlie came up to Mr. Wonka, smiling pleasantly. “Charlie Bucket.”**

**“Well, well, Charlie Bucket. I read all about you in the papers. I’m so happy for you.”**

Roman narrowed his eyes. “Wait a minute -- how would he have read about Charlie in the paper if he just got the ticket yesterday?! And, if he were reading the news so often and carefully, wouldn’t he know all about how atrocious the other four ticket winners are?”

“Obviously the tickets are rigged,” Logan replied. “Otherwise, ‘Slugworth’ -- or, at least, as we know him at this point -- wouldn’t have been there at all the ticket interviews, and wouldn’t have been there to stop Charlie when he discovered his ticket. Also, there’s the fact that all five of the lucky ticket finders are white when Wonka products are an international brand.”

**“Overjoyed. Enraptured. Entranced,” Wonka wrote off. “Are we ready? Yes? Good!” The gates were closed. “In we go.” He grabbed his cane and led the party up to the factory doors. Triumphant band music began to play again from outside the factory, as five children walked side-by-side with their parent (or grandparent) up the stairs and inside the doors. Wonka took off his hat in acknowledgement of the cheering crowd before entering behind them and closing the door.**

**“Now, hats, coats, galoshes, over here. But hurry, please. We have so much time and so little to see.” The others removed their accessories with little thought for what he had said, so that some looked confused and stopped when he cried, “Wait a minute! Strike that. Reverse it. Thank you.”**

**As they put their coats on the hangers, which looked like hands, the coat hangers clenched into fists to grab their coats. The women shrieked, and Willy Wonka was quick to reassure them. “Little surprises around every corner, but nothing dangerous! Don’t be alarmed.”**

“Well, that was a f*cking lie,” Remus said cheerfully.

“There are a number of dangerous surprises in the factory,” Logan said. “To name a few -- the Fizzy Lifting room with the life-threatening fan in the ceiling, the chute to the furnace, the chocolate river, candy to use on your enemies, candy that turns people into blueberries and eventually makes them explode, a teleportation device that both minimizes you and cuts you into tiny pieces before putting you back together, and an elevator that smashes through the glass ceiling of the building and flies above the entire city.”

**The children were then told to come up to the wall where Mr. Wonka pulled back a curtain, revealing a large contract with writing that became tinier and tinier the further one read down, until it was impossible to read. Violet and Veruca’s fathers tried to stop their children from signing the contract, but once Veruca heard the couldn’t go in unless she signed, she pushed her father down and grabbed a pen herself.**

“Look at Wonka, smiling in the background!” Roman pointed out.

“ _ He’s _ thoroughly enjoying himself,” Janus mused.

**“You’re always making things difficult!” Veruca snapped, before signing the contract.**

**“Nicely handled, Veruca,” Wonka said, eyes alight. “She’s a girl who knows where she’s going.”**

“Falsehood. I am certain she doesn’t know she’s going into the garbage chute,” Logan replied.

“Did -- did Logan just make a joke?” Roman whooped. “Somebody call a detective! Because I think we’ve got a phoney!”

“Deceit! Show yourself!” Patton cried, pointing at Logan. Janus just gave him an odd look from where he sat on the other end of the couch.

**Violet then signed the contract and walked off, while her father raced after her, frustrated with her for signing it. Mike and Augustus moved to sign the contract next.**

**“I saw this in a movie once,” Mike stated. “Guy signed his wife’s insurance policy. Then he bumped her off.”**

**“Clever,” Wonka stated with a wise nod.**

“Don’t encourage him!” Patton exclaimed.

“It  _ IS  _ clever, though,” Janus replied seriously.

**“What about me, grandpa?” Charlie asked.**

**“Sign away, Charlie, we’ve got nothing to lose!” Grandpa Joe insisted.**

“He’s right, unfortunately,” Logan said with a frown. “The Bucket family has little more than their lives -- no real valuable possessions, save for one another.”

**“99… 44… 100% pure.”**

“Ha! No one there is 100% pure,” Roman retorted. “Except for Charlie, maybe.”

**Wonka opened the door, revealing what looked like a roomless black-and-white hall. “Just through the other door, please,” he said, smiling in a way that told them all he knew something they didn’t. The others all walked through the door, only to find the room was smaller than they looked and they were all squeezed up between one another and the walls. There was no other door to be found. Panic ensued as Wonka shut the door and calmly walked over to the other side. Everyone fumbled around for a while before Wonka went back to the door in which they came. When he opened it, they saw a hallway they hadn’t been in before.**

**“What is this, some kind of funhouse?” Mr. Salt asked.**

**Mr. Wonka turned around with an innocent, wide-eyed look. “Why? Having fun?”**

“This is why he’s the absolute best,” Roman exclaimed.

**As they moved down the hallway, they found the hall getting smaller. The parents complained about not being able to fit through the tiny door Wonka was gesturing towards. He ignored them and smiled at the children. “My dear friends, you are now about to enter the nerve center to the entire Wonka factory.” He gestured to the door once more. “Inside of this room, all of my dreams become realities, and some of my realities become dreams. And almost everything you’ll see is eatable. Edible. I mean, you can eat almost everything.”**

**“Let me in -- I’m starving!” Augustus cried.**

“You’re always starving,” Janus sighed.

**“Now, don’t get overexcited,” Wonka warned good-naturedly. “Don’t lose your head, Augustus. We wouldn’t want anyone to lose that. … Yet.”**

“What does he mean by ‘yet?’” Patton asked, chuckling in discomfort.

“He only wants them to lose their heads once he deems them unworthy,” Janus replied.

**Wonka played a miniature keyboard in the door to undo the lock, and then he opened the door.**

**“Ladies and gentlemen… boys and girls… the chocolate room.”**

“This is the most magical part of the whole film,” Patton exclaimed, as the camera focused in on the faces of wonder on the children and their parents.

“Actually, what’s interesting about this moment right here is the reactions of the child actors. This was the first time they’d seen this part of the set, and thus, the surprise they portray is real. Willy Wonka’s entrance had the same strategy -- none of the children knew Wonka would be walking out on a limp, and their responses were not fabricated.”

**The room was full of vibrant colors -- green grass, yellow mushrooms, a gushing brown waterfall, pink toadstools, blue and red sweets hanging in trees and sitting in cups -- every little bit of it looked like something out of a fantasy world.**

“Roman, could you make this in the Imagination?” Patton asked, his eyes glued to the screen.

“Bold of you to assume I haven’t before,” Roman replied.

Patton whipped his head around to stare at him incredulously. “And you didn’t invite your dear old soda pop?!” Virgil groaned in response to the pun.

“Why hadn’t you invited anyone to the party, Roman?” Janus gave him a fake pout.

“Because it’s unsanitary,” Roman mumbled, shifting in his seat. “Remus licked and fondled everything and refused to tell me what was safe to consume.”

“You can’t tell me none of the Oompa Loompas waltzed around in here and had a taste!” Remus exclaimed. “You call it unsanitary, brother, but  _ I _ call it free real estate!”

**“Hold a breath. Make a wish. Count to three.”**

Roman cleared his throat and began to sing. **“Come with me~ And you’ll be~ In a world of pure imagination~”**

Remus snickered and joined in.  **“Take a look~”** He wrapped an arm around Roman’s shoulder and gestured outward, replicating the infamous Buzz Lightyear “X, X everywhere” meme.  **“And you’ll see~”** Roman scowled.  **“Into your imagination~”** In an instant, everyone was forced to bear witness to Remus’s inner images and ideas stemming from the earlier line, “I am now telling the computer exactly what he can do with a lifetime supply of chocolate.”

“Stop it! Stop it!” Patton cried, despite it already being over. His eyes were squeezed shut as he tried to forget what he’d just seen. Roman covered him with a blanket.

Virgil glared daggers at Remus. “Dude, what the heck?”

**Willy Wonka then took a few steps down the stairs, and then one up, subjecting those behind him to his unpredictability. Violet and Veruca were already fighting to be the first down the stairs.**

**_We'll begin with a spin_ **

**_Traveling in the world of my creation_ **

**_What we'll see will defy_ **

**_Explanation_ **

“Is all this stepping up and down truly necessary?” Logan asked.

“Shhhhhh, Pocket Protector. And also, yes. It’s essential for portraying his character correctly!”

“Isn’t the portrayal  _ incorrect  _ if the original author didn’t like this portrayal?” Virgil countered.

“A movie does not have to be a perfect adaptation to be a perfect movie!” Roman cried.

“That’s because perfect movies don’t exist,” Virgil argued.

“Why, of  _ course  _ they do, Virgil. Take a look at  _ The Last Airbender _ .”

Virgil hissed. “No!”   
“Absolutely not,” Logan stated.

“How dare you remind me of that… that dumpster fire of a film! That doesn’t even deserve to be  _ called  _ a film!”

“You, sir…” Patton smiled. “You have just crossed a line.”

Janus snickered. “Oh, please, I was joking. Has anyone even watched the earthbending Imprisonment scene and not despised it with every fiber of their being?”

“It was supposed to be on a ship!” Roman whined.

“WHY -- COULDN’T -- THEY -- GET -- ANYTHING -- RIGHT!”

Patton blinked. “Where is Remus?”

A frustrated battle cry came from deeper in the mindscape, along with the sound of clanging metal and crashes and bangs.

“Just leave him be for now,” Logan replied, turning the tv volume up louder to drown out the screeches.

**_If you want to view paradise_ **

**_Simply look around and view it_ **

**_Anything you want to, do it_ **

**_Want to change the world?_ **

**_There's nothing to it_ **

With that, Willy Wonka bowed, giving them permission to run amok and experience the room for themselves, trying out all the various edible treats in the room.

**“There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination!”** Roman sang, no longer interrupted.  **“Living there, you’ll be free, if you truly wish to be.”**

“What a nice song,” Patton sighed. “This should be on your Sides Track Playlist, Roman!”

Roman froze. “You… you haven’t listened to it, have you?”

Patton shook his head. “No. I thought we all agreed not to listen without permission?”

Janus blinked. “Wait -- did you not have to do the Unbreakable Vow?!”

Roman tilted his head in confusion. “Unbreakable--  _ Remus _ .” He rolled his eyes. “He didn’t tell me a thing about it.”

“He literally lined us all up and had us do it!” Virgil argued.

“That’s right -- you weren’t there, Roman.” Logan frowned. “I just assumed at the time that you’d already had it done, considering your closeness with the Duke.”

Roman’s eyes narrowed. “We have a lot to talk about after this movie.”

**Charlie and Grandpa Joe picked out candy canes for consumption. Willy Wonka knocked down gummy bears from trees, an orange one falling into Violet’s arms. Veruca was trying to break an enormous watermelon-sized chocolate egg against a rock.**

Logan paused the film briefly to point out a detail. “Julie Dawn Cole, the actress playing Veruca, was actually smashing the egg against a real rock, but she was unaware of this and badly hurt her left knee. If you look carefully in this scene, you’ll see blood on her left stocking.”

**Wonka helped Mike get candies from a tree he was too small to reach. Veruca managed to open up the ball and was eating what looked like jam from inside. Violet’s father ate stretchy licorice, while Augustus chewed on some yellow ball of some sort. Mike’s mother tasted white sugar from the top of a mushroom.**

**_If you want to view paradise_ **

**_Simply look around and view it_ **

**_Anything you want to, do it_ **

**_Want to change the world?_ **

**_There's nothing to it_ **

“Yes! Exactly!” Roman cried with renewed enthusiasm. Logan frowned, looking like he wanted to say something, but he took one look at Roman’s bright grin and chose not to speak.

**Willy Wonka sat down on the ground by buttercups and sipped from one.**

“The cup he takes a bite out of is made of wax. Wilder had to chew the pieces until the end of the take, and then spat them right out.”

**_There is no life I know_ **

**_To compare with pure imagination_ **

**_Living there, you'll be free, if you truly wish to be_ **

**“What a disgusting, dirty river,” Augustus’s mother muttered.**

**“It’s an industrial waste, that,” Veruca’s father agreed. “You’ve ruined your watershed, Wonka. It’s polluted.”**

**“It’s chocolate,” Wonka replied simply.**

**“That’s chocolate?!” Veruca cried.**

**“That’s chocolate,” Charlie looked intrigued.**

**“A chocolate river.” Violet was still chewing as she stared at the stream.**

**“That’s the most fantastic thing I’ve ever seen,” Grandpa Joe said.**

**“10,000 gallons an hour. And look at my waterfall -- that’s the most important thing. It’s mixing my chocolate. It’s actually churning my chocolate. You know, no other factory in the world mixes its chocolate by waterfall. But it’s the only way if you want it just right.”**

“As a matter of fact, the chocolate river was made of real chocolate,” Logan pointed out. “It was made from 150,000 gallons of water, real chocolate, and cream. The original concoction turned the river blood red. The biggest problem they had with the river, however, was that the cream began to spoil, and by the end of filming, it smelled notably rancid.”

“Disgusting.” Virgil squeezed his eyes shut like he was forcing the thought out.

**“Grandpa, look over there, across the river!” Charlie exclaimed, pointing. “They’re little men!”**

**“Jumping crocodiles, Charlie! Now we know who makes the chocolate.”**

**“I never saw anybody with an orange face before.”**

**“Funny-looking people, aren’t they?”**

“That’s offensive,” Patton murmured. “They’re not  _ that  _ strange.”

“The original Oompa Loompas were  _ supposed  _ to be,” Logan replied.

**“What are they doing there?”** **  
** **“Must be creaming and sugaring time.”**

**“Well, they can’t be real people.”**

**“Of course they’re real people,” Willy Wonka said.**

**“Stuffin’ nonsense.”**

**“No, Oompa Loompas.”**

**The guests on the screen continued to deny Wonka’s words and he began telling them about the Oompa Loompas from Loompaland. “A Wangdoodle would eat ten of them for breakfast and think nothing of it,” he said sadly.**

“Aww, I can’t imagine…”

“I can!” Remus chose that moment to pop back in, grinning as wild as ever, plaster and dust sprinkled in his hair. “Hey, Janus, how many Wangdoodles do you think  _ you  _ could eat?” He wiggles his brows suggestively.

“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that,” Janus said, his expression vacant.

**Veruca started crying to her father that she wanted an Oompa Loompa. He told her he would give her one by the end of the day, but she kept whining that she wanted it immediately. Violet turned around at yelled at her to shut up, and the two girls had a fierce staredown.**

**Charlie pointed attention onto Augustus, who was scooping up water from the river into his hands and eating it. His mother tried to stop him, and that was when Mr. Wonka realized what was happening and began to panic.**

**“Oh, Augustus, please don’t do that! My chocolate must never be touched by human hands!” He tried to get closer but he couldn’t break through the crowd of parents in front of him as they all moved closer to the boy. “Please, don’t do that! Don’t do that! You’re contaminating my entire river! Please, I beg you! Augustus!”**

“It’s too late; that river was contaminated already,” Logan stated.

“And now it’s going to be even dirtier,” Remus snickered. “All that chocolate has now touched his dick!” The other sides scrunched up their noses and tried pretending they hadn’t heard that, but the image was now in their heads, and it wasn’t going away.

**At that moment, Augustus fell completely into the river. Willy Wonka mourned his chocolate while Augustus flailed in the river, unable to swim back to the shore. Augustus’s mother screamed at Mr. Wonka to do something.**

**He just stood still and murmured, “Help. Police. Murder.”**

“Best line in the whole thing!” Remus exclaimed, cackling in a manner that was way over-the-top. Janus chuckled himself, in silent agreement.

**Charlie took one of the giant lollipops and reached out for Augustus, but suddenly he went under, caught in the current. They watched as his body moved through the river underwater.**

**“He can’t swim!”**

**“There’s no better time to learn.”**

“He has the  _ best lines _ ,” Roman said emphatically.

Augustus got caught in the pipe, and Willy Wonka explained how the pressure would get him out.

**“The suspense is terrible.”** Excitement danced in Wonka’s eyes.  **“I hope it’ll last.”**

“Now,  _ that’s  _ the best line,” Roman laughed.

“ _ Every _ Wonka line is the best line to you,” Virgil retorted.

**A few moments later, Augustus shot right up through the pipe.**

**“My son! He’ll be made into marshmallows in seconds.”**

**“Impossible, my dear lady. That’s absurd. Unthinkable.”**

**“Why?” she demanded.**

**“Because that pipe doesn’t go to the marshmallow room! It goes to the fudge room!”**

**Willy Wonka then played a woodwind instrument and an Oompa Loompa came running. He told him to go to the fudge room and fetch Augustus before he went into the boiler.**

“Oh, here comes the Oompa Loompa song!” Patton realized.

**_Oompa loompa doompety doo_ **

**_I've got a perfect puzzle for you_ **

“I love these songs!” Roman exclaimed.

“They  _ are  _ fairly catchy,” Janus hesitantly agreed.

Logan raised an index finger. “Not only that, but they also teach good lessons.”

**“Oompa loompa doompety dee!”** Roman sang along. **“If you are wise, you'll listen to me!”**

“Falsehood,” Logan mumbled quietly.

**“What do you get when you guzzle down sweets?”** Roman had his hands on his hips. “ **Eating as much as an elephant eats?”** He poked Remus in the gut.  **“What are you at, getting terribly fat?”** Remus giggled.

**“What do you think will come of that?”** The two chorused.

Roman leaned over to Patton, holding up a hand to cover up the other half of his face from onlookers.  **“I don’t like the look of it!”**

“Fat-shaming in a children’s movie.” Janus shook his head.

“It’s not so much fat-shaming as… gorge-shaming?” Virgil considered it for a minute. “Obviously, if Augustus didn’t overeat so much, he’d be totally fine as a character, regardless of his weight.”

“ **Oompa loompa doompety da! If you're not greedy, you will go far!”**

“I agree with Virgil,” Logan said. “This movie is only criticizing the overconsumption of sweets, and -- more specifically -- the sin of greed that belies that action.”

**“You will live in happiness, too. Like the Oompa Loompa Doompety do!”**

**The Oompa Loompas walked back through an opening in the wall after finishing their job. One of them spun around for one final, “Doompety do!” before disappearing.**

**A fancy blue boat with red seating came through the river, directed by Oompa Loompas on board. Wonka told everyone to get on board.**

“The Wonkatania boat was actually on a track, but the Oompa Loompa actor thought he was steering it,” Logan stated. “The director didn’t tell him, for the sake of believability.”

**“Ladies first! And that means Veruca!” Mr. Salt exclaimed, pushing him and his daughter on board first.**

**“If she’s a lady, I’m a vermicious knid,” Grandpa Joe said.**

“What is a vermicious knid?” Patton asked.

“No one knows,” Roman said solemnly.

**After everyone was on board, Mr. Wonka sat down, saying, “You’re going to love this.”**

“I don’t trust that smile,” Patton said. “That’s the smile Remus has when he’s about to do or say something…” He paused, not sure what word he could use to describe the… awful things Remus came up with, without it sounding harsh or rude.

“... deranged?” Remus suggested with a smile.

“That’s it!” Patton pointed at his expression. “That’s the one!”

**The boat started going in the dark tunnel, and many of the adults started complaining on screen.**

Remus fidgeted excitedly in his seat. “This is his favorite part of the movie,” Roman explained, looking weary.

**Mr. Wonka encouraged the Oompa Loompas to make the boat go faster and faster once they were inside, surrounded by darkness. The tunnel’s walls started glowing in haunting red and blue colors. Grandpa Joe and Charlie seemed to be the only ones having fun.**

Eventually the walls started showing disturbing images, ones that filled Remus with delight.

“This is the only song in the film with lyrics taken directly from the book,” Logan informed them.

**_There's no earthly way of knowing_ **

**_Which direction we are going_ **

Remus jumped to his feet and rushed forward toward the tv. Roman started to warn him not to, but he snapped his fingers and suddenly the walls were covered in the same hallucinatory images as the ones in the movie -- along with some of Remus’s own creations. All lights other than the tv faded out until the sides were all covered in darkness. Patton squeaked and leapt across the couch until he could feel Roman and Virgil both, and squished himself safely between them. Remus leaned against the tv and joined Willy Wonka in his creepy singing.

**“There's no knowing where we're rowing… Or which way the river's flowing…”**

“Uh… Remus, buddy…” Patton managed a weak smile. “How about we not?”

“Patton, you of all people know the importance of sharing,” Janus stated.   
“What does that have to do with…  _ this _ ?”

“You always allow Roman his times to shine. Allow Remus this one.”

“It would certainly be good for Thomas’s state of mind for Remus to have a creative outlet rather than being repressed, Patton,” Logan reminded him. Patton sighed and dropped the subject, electing rather to close his eyes and snuggle as close to his two “sons” as possible.

**“Is it raining, is it snowing? Is a hurricane a-blowing?”** Remus sang slowly, swinging his head from side to side. Suddenly, he let out a frightening cry, sending goosebumps down Virgil’s arms.  **“Not a speck of light is showing, so the danger must be growing. Are the fires of Hell a-glowing? Is the grisly Reaper mowing?”** Roman chuckled, an image shooting through his mind of the Grim Reaper sitting on a lawn mower and riding across a field. He jolted when Remus suddenly screamed,  **“YES!”**

“Oh, you can’t tell me this isn’t precious, Patton,” Janus said, covering his mouth to hide his grin.

Patton opened a single eye. “What?”

“Look at him.  _ Really  _ look at him,” Janus commanded. Patton hesitated, then allowed his eyes to adjust to the darkness. As the light from the walls flashed across the room, he could see the other sides’ faces were… smiling? Even Virgil, who was trying to hide it behind a mask of seriousness -- though he couldn’t stop the ends of his mouth from curving upwards.

**“The danger must be growing, for the rowers keep on rowing!”**

Patton glanced across the room at Remus, trying to ignore the fear deep in his stomach, and the images on the walls. Remus’s eyes were alight with excitement, and he was bursting with energy as he pranced around the tv. He looked like an excited little kid -- not a monster. Sure, the lines he screeched were supposed to be suspenseful and creepy, but he just looked like a happy boy dressed in a villain costume reciting his lines. Patton felt the tension leave his body as he focused on Remus and ignored the rest of the scene.

**“And they're certainly not showing--”** Remus jumped up and down with his eyes screwed shut and his voice rising to a scream. **“** **_Any signs that they are slowing!_ ** **”** He let out a yelp that sounded more like a howling wolf than anything else, holding the notes out while the scene moved on to a close on the tv.

**“Stop the boat!” Wonka finally demanded, and at once, the boat had stopped at the Inventing Room.**

Remus bowed enthusiastically toward the couch, and the others hesitantly applauded him.

“Well done, Remus,” Janus congratulated. “You’ve scared Patton halfway across the couch.”

“Then I’ve succeeded!” Remus replied cheerfully, skipping back over to the couch, on the far end, giving plenty of space for another person to sit a cushion’s distance from him.

Patton felt guilty, though in all fairness, that was simply his knee-jerk reaction, and he couldn’t stop himself from fearing Remus sometimes even if he tried. But even if that might be the truth, he would always love all his kiddos, even if some of them played hard-to-love. Or, maybe, that was what Janus had been alluding to -- that he wasn’t playing hard-to-love, he was just  _ playing _ .

**“Dairy cream?”**

**“Whipped cream…?”**

**“Coffee cream…?”**

**“Vanilla cream…?”**

**Both Charlie and his grandpa paused for a moment, then looked at one another. “Hair cream??”**

“It’s delicious! Try some!” Remus exclaimed, whipping up a bottle and pouring some in his mouth. Roman wrestled it away from him but was too late.

**“Now, remember, no messing about. No touching, no tasting, no telling.”**

**“No telling what?”**

**“You see, all of my most secret inventions are cooking and simmering in here. Old Slugworth would give his false teeth just to get inside for five minutes.” Violet and Veruca both looked up at their fathers upon hearing Slugworth’s name. “So don’t touch a thing.”**

“What a surprise, someone touches something,” Virgil said sarcastically.

**The Inventing Room -- to no one’s surprise -- had so much strange machinery around that it was hard to tell what did what. The Oompa Loompas were working throughout the room, standing on ladders, stirring mixtures on boiling pots, etc.**

**“Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, and 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.”**

**“That’s 105%!”**

**Willy Wonka grabbed a small clock. “Time is a precious thing,” he said. “Never waste it.” Then, he promptly tossed the clock into what looked like a large pot of boiling rice.**

**“He’s absolutely bonkers,” Veruca stated to Charlie.**

**“And that’s not bad!” he replied.**

“Oh, you sweet summer child,” Roman lamented.

“The actresses for Violet and Veruca both had a crush on Charlie’s actor, Peter Ostrum,” Logan mentioned. “They competed each day to sit next to him, and alternated days to spend time with him. When they couldn’t spend time with Peter, they spent it with the son of the assistant director Jack Roe, who they also had been attracted to.”

**Meanwhile, Wonka was riding a stationary bicycle. “In springtime, the only pretty ring time, birds sing, hey ding~ A ding-a-ding, sweet lovers love… the spring~”**

“Veruca’s actress, Julie Dawn Cole, wrote in her memoir titled, “I Want It Now!” that an Oompa Loompa was supposed to be pedalling the mixing bike in this scene. However, none of the Oompa Loompas had long enough legs to reach the pedals, so they took a creative approach by having Gene Wilder biking while singing.”

**Just then, a bout of steam shot out of a machine Mike had been poking at and sent him flying backwards into a bunch of golden pans.**

**“I told you not to, silly boy,” Wonka said, shaking his head in shame.**

“But kids don’t listen when you tell them not to do stuff.”

**“It’s exploding candy for your enemies,” Wonka explained. “Great idea, isn’t it? Not ready, though. Still too weak. Needs more gelignite.”**

“I like this man’s thinking!” Remus exclaimed.

**They looked around the factory a little more, until they stumbled upon the invention that was going to “sizzle old Slugworth,” according to Mr. Wonka. He started up the machine and the guests waited expectantly for the candy to come out.**

**“It makes Everlasting Gobstoppers,” Mr. Wonka said.**

**“Did you say Everlasting Gobstoppers?” Violet clarified, while Veruca and her father shared a look.**

**“That’s right. For children with very little pocket money, you could suck on them forever.”**

“Oooooh--” Remus began, but he was clonked on the head with the butt of his brother’s sword.

**“I want an Everlasting Gobstopper!” Veruca declared.**

**Violet was quick to speak up. “Me too!”**

**“And me!” Mike chirped.**

**“Fantastic invention. Revolutionize the industry,” Wonka said. “You can suck ‘em and suck ‘em and suck ‘em--”**

“Like a certain someone I know!” Remus exclaimed. Roman clonked him again.

**Wonka told the children to solemnly swear to keep the Everlasting Gobstoppers for themselves and never show them to another living soul as long as they shall live. All the children agreed, and he gave one to each of them. Violet and Veruca got into another argument, causing Wonka to raise his voice and roll his eyes at them.**

“Even  _ he’s  _ starting to get annoyed with them,” Roman pointed out.

**Wonka led them over to another large invention and pressed the button. The machine seemed to be making meals, but when all was done, only a small piece of gum came out.**

**“By gum, it’s gum!” Violet said.**

**“Wrong!” Wonka exclaimed, in a voice that made all the sides laugh. “It’s the most amazing, fabulous, sensational gum in the whole world.”**

**“What’s so fab about it?”**

“ _ Fab _ .” Virgil gagged.

“Clearly the human language has evolved for the better,” Logan replied.

Janus winced. “I don’t know about that. Remember  _ bae _ ?”

“Bae is totally cool!” Roman retorted.

**“This little piece of gum is a three-course dinner,” Wonka explained.**

**“Bull!”**

**“No, roast beef. But I haven’t gotten it quite right yet.”**

**“I don’t care!” Violet replied, grabbing the piece of gum from his hands. He warned her against it, but she completely ignored him and put it in her mouth anyway.**

**“My goodness! It’s tomato soup! It’s hot and creamy -- I can actually feel it running down my throat!”**

Remus snickered. “In ten years if you keep on acting, you’ll feel more running down your--” He didn’t finish his sentence, instead wheezing from a gut-punch from his twin.

**“Stop. Don’t,” Mr. Wonka said, in a voice that showed he knew it was futile and he was annoyed and losing hope with these children.**

**“It sure is great soup! Hey, the second course is coming up -- roast beef and a baked potato! Mmmm!” She looked excited and fearless.**

**Her father laughed and asked what was for dessert, no longer concerned at all.**

**“Dessert?” she asked. Her face started to turn blue. “Here it comes -- blueberry pie and cream! It’s the most marvelous blueberry pie I’ve ever tasted!”**

**The rest of the group started exclaiming about the color of her face changing.**

**“It always goes wrong when it comes to dessert,” Wonka said mournfully. “Always.”**

“That’s what my stomach says on Thanksgiving,” Patton laughed. “Too much food, and then you try and cram dessert in, too? It never works out.”

“The actress for Violet Beauregarde, Denise Nickerson, had a similar experience to her character one day at school,” Logan said. “The make-up she used in the film had seeped into her pores and started to resurface in her math class, turning her face purple.”

**Mr. Beauregarde turned back to his daughter to find that her body was puffing up.**

**“It happens every time,” Wonka said sadly. “They all become blueberries.” Mr. Wonka played his little instrument again and another Oompa Loompa came to his side. “Would you roll the young lady down to the juicing room at once, please?” he asked. The Oompa Loompa moved toward Violet at once.**

**“For what?!” her father asked, panicking.**

**“For squeezing,” Mr. Wonka replied. “She has to be squeezed immediately before she explodes.”**

“Remus!” Roman held out a hand. “Don’t make that joke! I know you have one -- just don’t do it!”

“ _ I _ wasn’t coming up with a joke,” Remus insisted with a dark grin. “That was all you, bro.”

**_Oompa loompa doompety doo_ **

**_I've got another puzzle for you_ **

**_Oompa loompa doompeda dee_ **

**_If you are wise you'll listen to me_ **

**_Gum chewing's fine when it's once in a while_ **

**_It stops you from smoking and brightens your smile_ **

**_But it's repulsive, revolting and wrong_ **

**_Chewing and chewing all day long_ **

“Do they really have to roll this poor girl across the floor like that, more than necessary?” Roman asked.

“You can’t call her ‘poor,’ Roman,” Virgil argued. “Not after all she did to deserve it.”

**_The way that a cow does_ **

“Okay, but she doesn’t need to be compared to a cow!” Roman retorted.

“Actually, I think she  _ does _ .”

**_Oompa loompa doompety da_ **

**_Given good manners you will go far_ **

**_You will live in happiness too_ **

**_Like the Oompa Loompa Doompety do_ **

**As the Oompa Loompas finished their song, they rolled Violet off down the hallway, with her father being dragged after by an Oompa Loompa. As he vanished down the hallway, he could be heard whining, “I got a blueberry for a daughter!”**

“How is that  _ not  _ a more iconic line?” Roman asked. All the other sides could do was shrug.

**“Where is fancy bred -- in the heart, or in the head?” Wonka asked.**

Logan and Patton exchanged glances, and at once, they both declared, “The head.”

“I think  _ Deceit  _ is the fanciest of us all,” Remus chirped. All heads turned to Janus, gave him a once-over, and nodded in agreement.

**“Well, well, well. Two naughty, nasty little children gone. Three good, sweet little children left.” He smiled (a bit ominously) before opening the door and allowing everyone through.**

“Veruca is in the ‘good, sweet’ group over Augustus and Violet?” Roman shook his head. “Tis a crime.”

**Wonka then showed them lickable wallpaper for nursery walls in the hallway. The wallpaper was covered in images of fruit.**

**“Lick an orange. It tastes like an orange. Lick a pineapple. It tastes like a pineapple. Go on, try it.”**

**“I got a plum!” Charlie exclaimed. “Grandpa, this banana is fantastic!”**

“That’s what she said!” Remus shouted.

“Well, unless Wonka removes and replaces this wallpaper immediately, this is a rather disgusting facility,” Logan pointed out. “He encourages children to lick the wallpaper, which may have been licked before, and may be licked afterwards. No one moves to clean it up.”

**“Try some more. The strawberries taste like strawberries. The snozzberries taste like snozzberries!”**

**“Snozzberries? Whoever heard of a snozzberry?” Veruca asked. Mr. Wonka grabbed her by the chin, looking serious.**

**“We are the music makers,” he said. “And we are the dreamers of dreams.”**

**Mr. Wonka then led them through to the room with the fizzy lifting drinks, where bubbles were floating in the air. He told them that the drink would allow them to float in the air, and once he said that, Mike and Veruca pleaded for him to let them try it out. He simply told them not to stay around, and led them off to the next room.**

“Don’t do it!” Roman warned, though -- obviously -- his words had no effect.

**“Let’s take a drink, Charlie, nobody’s watching!” Grandpa Joe whispered.**

**“Yeah!”**

“ _ No _ !” Patton exclaimed. “Did you not see what happened to the last two bad kids?!”

“You’d think they would know better, after all they’ve seen so far.” Janus shook his head. “Pity.”

**“A small one won’t hurt us.”**

“She literally just put a piece of gum in her mouth and it hurt  _ her _ !” Roman exclaimed.

**They each took a sip from the bottle and waited a moment for the effects to kick in, and then they were floating in the air, as if gravity were pulling them upward instead of down. Grandpa Joe held on to the wall and started yelling in fear. “We’re in big trouble! Mr. Wonka isn’t going to like this!”**

“Of course he isn’t! So why did you do that?!” Virgil looked as annoyed as Roman and Patton.

“Curiosity,” Logan, Janus, and Remus replied simultaneously.

**Then Charlie let go to see if he could get down, and realized the thrill of being in the air. He urged his grandfather to let go, and they began soaring higher and higher, playfully telling one another “I’m a rocket!” or “I’m a bird!” and looking down to see how high they were. They somersaulted in the air.**

**“I’m a bird!”**

**“I’m a plane!”**

**“I’m a --” Charlie paused to look upward and fear flashed in his eyes. “I’m going too high!”**

**The two started panicking and moving their arms, which made them float upwards faster toward the fan blades.**

**“Stay away from it, Charlie, it’ll chop us to bits!” Grandpa Joe cried.**

“Like Syndrome from The Incredibles!” Remus said.

**“We’re in trouble; I can’t stop!”**

**“It’s pulling me in!”**

**“I can’t stop, I can’t stop!” Grandpa Joe started grabbing at the wall, but he couldn’t push himself downwards.**

**The two started screaming for help that didn’t come. When Grandpa Joe burped by chance, he began to sink downwards. “I’m going down! Quick, Charlie! Burp! Burp! If you don’t get down, it will cut you to ribbons!”**

**Charlie continued to scream for help, until grandpa Joe told him it was the only way, and then he managed a few desperate burps. As soon as he reached his grandfather, they held onto one another and it was a smooth descent from there.**

**“Good boy. From now, we keep our feet on the ground.” Charlie nodded in frantic agreement. “Come on, let’s catch up to the others.” And with that, the two of them left the room.**

“Hold on a minute.” Roman squinted. “Willy Wonka knew by the end that Charlie used the Fizzy Lifting Drinks, but when did he find that out? Because if he knew while it was all happening, then why didn’t he even try to save them? He got the other children out safely, but those two would have legitimately died had they not figured it out for themselves!”

“The other children must have survived on pure luck,” Logan replied. “That adds to the many, many other troubling elements of Willy Wonka’s character.”

“That man is an enigma,” Roman said, shaking his head.


	3. Chapter 3

**The egg room in front of them had five giant gooses the size of children sitting on roosts, with what looked like scales sitting on top of counters underneath them. “These are the geese that lay the golden eggs,” Willy Wonka explained. “As you can see, they’re larger than ordinary geese. As a matter of fact, they’re quadruple-size geese which produce octuple-size eggs. They’re laying overtime right now for Easter.”**

**“But Easter’s over!” Mike exclaimed. Willy Wonka immediately covered his mouth and shushed him.** **  
** **“They don’t know that,” he mumbled. “I’m trying to get ahead for next year.”**

“Wait, so the eggs they lay sit around in the factory for up to a year?” Virgil looked disgusted.

“They must have a long shelf life,” Logan replied.

Roman blinked. “Is… is no one gonna mention the fact that the geese can apparently  _ understand the human language?? _ ”

**The Oompa Loompas were wiping off the eggs and covering them in golden wrappers.**

**“Are they chocolate eggs?” Veruca asked.**

**“Golden chocolate eggs. That’s a great delicacy.” Mike and his mother started to walk forward, but Willy Wonka held out his cane in front of them, preventing them from going closer to the geese. “But I wouldn’t get too close. The geese are very temperamental. That’s why we have the Eggdicator.”**

“Well, they let Veruca and the Oompa Loompa get fairly close without a problem,” Patton pointed out.

“Yeah, but I bet they only let Veruca get close so they could watch her fall toward the furnace,” Roman replied. “And the Oompa Loompas are too small to endanger them.”

Janus frowned. “What I don’t get is, why did they change Veruca’s story from squirrels and bad nuts to geese and bad eggs? Was it an easier set to manage?”

“I believe it was simply another way of distinguishing between the book and the film,” Logan answered.

**“The Eggda-what?”**

**“The Eggdacator can tell the difference between a good egg… and a bad egg. If it’s a good egg, it’s shined up and shipped out all over the world. But if it’s a bad egg… down the chute it goes.”**

**They watched as an egg fell on the Eggdacator and the arrow pointed to “bad.” The latch underneath it opened and the egg fell down a chute.**

**“It’s an educated Eggdacator.”**

**“It’s a lot of nonsense.”**

**Willy Wonka leaned in toward Mr. Salt and softly sang, “A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.”**

“Exactly!” Remus shouted in Virgil’s ear, making it ring.

**“Hey, daddy, I want a golden goose!” Veruca declared.**

**“Here we go again,” Charlie said.**

“Even Charlie’s getting fed up with this by now!”

**“Alright, sweetheart, alright! Daddy will get you a Golden Goose as soon as we get home.”**

**“Noooo, I want one of** **_those_ ** **!” She pointed toward the geese laying eggs.**

“She tells her father that  _ he’s  _ the one making everything difficult when she signs the contract,” Janus recalled. “However,  _ she’s  _ the one making things difficult. She won’t tolerate any less than exactly what she wishes for, and won’t appreciate any of the steps her father goes through to give her what she wants.”

**Mr. Salt turned toward Willy Wonka and started to take out his checkbook. “Wonka, how much do you want for the Golden Goose?”** **  
** **“They’re not for sale.”** **  
** **“Name your price.”** **  
** **“She can’t have one.”**

**That made Veruca spin around with a fierceness to her eyes. “Who says I can’t?!”**

**“The man with the funny hat,” her father replied, giving in and putting away his checkbook. But Veruca was on a rampage.**

**“I want one! I want a Golden Goose!”**

**_Gooses, geeses_ **

**_I want my geese to lay gold eggs for easter_ **

“Time for the brat song,” Roman stated.

“Who here is the most likely to be Veruca?” Janus asked.

The sides all contemplated the question for mere seconds before simultaneously responding, “Roman.”

“Wha--?!” He gasped and held a hand over his heart. “I feel betrayed!”

“Only  _ you  _ could be as dramatic,” Virgil explained.

**_At least a hundred a day_ **

**_And by the way_ **

“What about Remus?!” Roman retorted.

“Remus  _ is  _ dramatic, yes,” Janus agreed. “However, Remus wouldn’t care about half the things Veruca does.”

**_I want a feast_ **

**_I want a bean feast_ **

  
“Yeah, who would want a feast without murder?!” Remus exclaimed.

“A bean feast is a British expression,” Logan informed them. “It means a dinner at a scenic locale, rather than an a feast with actual beans.”

**_Cream buns and doughnuts_ **

**_And fruitcake with no nuts_ **

**_So good you could go nuts_ **

**“You can have all that when you get home!”**

**“No, now!” she cried.**

Janus chuckled. “Veruca is the equivalent of that vine where the child wants to go to McDonalds, the parent says no because dinner is being cooked, and the child complains that they don’t want to be a part of that family anymore.”

**_I want a ball_ **

**_I want a party_ **

**_Pink macaroons_ **

**_And a million balloons_ **

**_And performing baboons and_ **

**_Give it to me now_ **

Virgil scoffed. “And who else but Roman would want a ball or a party with pink macaroons, a million balloons, and performing baboons?”

There was a brief silence, and then Patton slowly raised his hand.

Virgil raised an eyebrow. “ _ Really? _ ”

“I dunno, it just sounds fun!”

**_I want the world_ **

**_I want the whole world_ **

**_I want to lock it_ **

**_All up in my pocket_ **

**_It's my bar of chocolate_ **

**_Give it to me now_ **

“I remember thinking this song wasn’t all that bad when I was little,” Roman laughed.

“Every child wants the world,” Janus replied. “It’s only natural to think that the world revolves around you when you’re small and have no sense of it all.”

**_I want today_ **

**_I want tomorrow_ **

**_I want to wear 'em_ **

**_Like braids in my hair and_ **

**_I don't want to share 'em_ **

“You can see she’s lip-syncing because she messes it up there,” Janus said, pointing out the moment.

“At least she has a decent singing voice,” Roman said. “Charlie’s… isn’t quite there.”

“Actually, Charlie’s singing voice was a factor in his casting,” Logan mentioned. “Mark Lester was turned down for the role due to his high-pitched singing voice.”

**_I want a party with roomfuls of laughter_ **

**_Ten thousand tons of ice cream_ **

**_And if I don't get the things I am after_ **

**_I'm going to scream_ **

“The twins in a nutshell,” Logan muttered under his breath.

**She took the wrapping material from the Oompa Loompas and tossed it around Willy Wonka, who -- to his credit -- didn’t move an inch, simply observing with a tolerant, “ignore it and it will go away” expression. Even as she started kicking and throwing things, he simply stood there watching without making any effort to stop it.**

**_I want the works_ **

**_I want the whole works_ **

**_Presents and prizes_ **

**_And sweets and surprises_ **

**_Of all shapes and sizes_ **

**Veruca pushed a cart into the large tower of boxes and they all collapsed.**

“That feeling when someone knocks over your palace of cards,” Remus snickered. “Or all of your perfectly lined up dominoes!”

“Like a Rube Goldberg machine,” Roman said with a bitter sigh. “The last time I made one of those, Remus ruined it before I could film it properly. I don’t think I can bear the frustration of failing such a painstaking trial again.”

**_And now_ **

**_Don't care how, I want it now_ **

**Veruca climbed up onto the Eggducator.**

“Time to reveal the baddest egg of them all,” Janus snickered.

**_Don't care how, I want it nooooooooooooow_ **

**Veruca fell down the chute after it declared her a bad egg. Willy Wonka barely blinked at the events, simply walking forward to move on. Her father asked where she would be going, and he told him she’d go down the garbage chute to the furnace, unless she was stuck. Her father then raced toward the chute and dropped down into it after her.**

**“There’s going to be a lot of garbage today,” Wonka said solemnly.**

**“Ah, Mr. Salt finally got what we wanted.** **  
** **“What’s that?”** **  
** **“Veruca went first.”**

“Oooooooof! Now that’s shade,” Roman said.

“Major oof,” Virgil agreed.

**Charlie then asked whether they would actually be sent to the furnace, and Mr. Wonka replied that the furnace was only lit every other day, so they had a good chance. That was when the Oompa Loompa song began to play.**

**_Oompa loompa doompety doo_ **

**_I've got another puzzle for you_ **

**_Oompa loompa doompety dee_ **

**_If you are wise you'll listen to me_ **

Roman jumped into the song.  **“Who do you blame when your kid is a…”**

**“... brat?”** the other sides chorused.

**“Pampered and spoiled like a siamese…”**

**“... cat?”**

Roman shook his finger.  **“Blaming the kids is a lie and a…”**

**“... shame.”**

Roman grinned.  **“You know exactly--”**

**“-- who’s. To. Blame.”** Everyone turned and pointed to Janus and Patton.  **“The mother and the father!”**

“I understand Patton, but why am I the mother?” Janus sighed.

“Because Virgil was my first dark son, and Remus is… Remus,” Patton explained.

“Also I refuse to have Remus be my mother. That’s too weird,” Roman added.

“Logan could be the mother,” Janus pointed out.

Logan nearly spat out his drink. “Excuse me??”

**_Oompa loompa doompety da_ **

**_If you're not spoiled then you will go far_ **

**_You will live in happiness too_ **

**_Like the Oompa Loompa Doompety do_ **

**The next scene was in the tv room. “Wonkavision!” Mr. Wonka cried. “My very latest and greatest invention.”**

**“It’s television!”**

**“Eh, it’s Wonkavision. Now, I suppose you all know how ordinary television works. You photograph something--”** **  
** **“Sure, I do!” Mike interrupted. “You photograph something, then the photograph is split up into millions of tiny pieces, and they go whizzing through the air, down to your tv set, and they’re all put together again in the right order.”**

**“You should open your mouth a little wider when you speak,” Wonka told him, before turning back to the others and continuing to explain his invention.**

“He’s really not a fan of Mike Teavee, is he?” Janus mused. “He’s been picking on that kid more than any of the others, since the beginning.”

“Actually, the actor for Mike Teavee was known to be one of the worst to work with on the set,” Logan explained. “Even the actor himself admitted it much later during interviews after the movie became popular.”

**The Oompa Loompas carried out a giant Wonka bar to the white table. “I shall now send this chocolate bar from one end of the room to the other!” Wonka announced. “It has to be big, because whenever you transfer something by television, it always ends up smaller on the other end.” He smiled. “Goggles on, please.”**

**Everyone put on their goggles on and Wonka directed the Oompa Loompas to start the transportation. There was a flash of light and then everyone removed their goggles. They could see the chocolate bar had disappeared, and millions of small pieces were flying in the air far above their heads. Wonka moved to the tv screen and told them all to watch, as the chocolate bar eventually appeared.**

“Imagine a tv channel where you get a free chocolate bar per hour if you pay for the channel,” Roman exclaimed. “Wouldn’t that be exciting?!”

“It’d be too easy to lose control of your diet,” Virgil responded. “It’d be too easy to just eat chocolate bars all day and skip meals.”

**“Take it,” he told Mike.**

**“How can you take it? It’s just a picture.”**

**Wonka gestured to Charlie. “Alright, you take it.” Charlie did without question, reaching into the tv and pulling out the chocolate bar himself. He was then told to taste it, and he claimed that it was perfect.**

“I highly doubt that, considering the chocolate bar was broken up into small particles and would not be able to reform so perfectly.”

**“It’s unbelievable!” Mrs. Teavee said.**

**“It’s a miracle,” Grandpa Joe replied.**

**“It’s a tv dinner!”**

**“It’s Wonkavision.”**

**“It could change the world!”**

**Mike Teavee then started asking if Wonka could send other things through a screen. Wonka said he could send anything, and then Mike asked if he could send people. Wonka was smiling as he considered it.**

“That’s a devious smile right there!” Roman cried.

“That’s the smile of someone who knows what you’re thinking… and is going to manipulate you right into doing it,” Janus said with a smirk.

**Mike jumped onto the white surface, and ignored his mother as she told him not to. “Stop, don’t, come back,” Wonka said, though he put no effort into his voice. Everyone turned away as the flash happened and he was sent over to the tv screen.**

“Okay, but that totally could’ve been avoided!” Roman exclaimed. “The Oompa Loompas didn’t have to listen to him! Wonka allowed that to happen. In fact, ever since Augustus’s fate, it seems he’s been orchestrating their departure!”

“He seems to be tempting each of the children -- even Charlie,” Logan said. “With the final act of making Charlie think he’s going to get nothing, the promise of wealth for his family is the ultimate test. But Charlie puts his honesty and morality above his family’s well-being, and that’s what makes him worthy in comparison to the other spoiled children.”

**“Look at me, everybody! I’m the first person in the world to be sent by television!” Mike exclaimed, waving his tiny arms. He was hardly the size of a human hand. “Wow, what a wild trip that was. It’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.”**

“Funny, how he thinks the worst thing that’s ever happened to him is the best.”

“How is he alive?” Roman demanded. “Bits of him were flying in the air -- no one can survive being separated into chunks like that and then just be put back together like it’s nothing!”

**Mike was then put into his mother’s purse, and she turned on Wonka and demanded a way to fix her son. He suggested putting him in his Taffy Pulling machine.**

“Ouch,” Patton winced. “Wouldn’t that hurt?”

“Yep!” Remus chirped. “Yes it would! Like a b*tch!”

**Mr. Wonka then handed the bag to an Oompa Loompa. Mrs. Teavee fainted and was dragged off by two Oompa Loompas.**

**“Adieu. Adieu.” Wonka smiled. “Parting is such sweet sorrow.”**

“This man is amazing!” Remus cackled.

**_Oompa loompa doompety doo_ **

“Last one!” Roman said.

**_I've got another puzzle for you_ **

**_Oompa loompa doompeda dee_ **

**_If you are wise you'll listen to me_ **

**_What do you get from a glut of TV_ **

**_A pain in the neck and an IQ of three_ **

“Actually, it depends on the channel,” Logan replied. “Watching news channels and other informative media wouldn’t be so bad.”

“Logan, we’re  _ literally  _ in the entertainment business!” Roman exclaimed. “That’s why this is my least favorite of the Oompa Loompa songs. It’s not like tv is even Mike’s problem -- it’s more so his attraction to violence, his do-things-first, ask-questions-later attitude, and his annoying personality.”

**_Why don't you try simply reading a book_ **

**_Or could you just not bear to look_ **

**_You'll get no_ **

**_You'll get no_ **

**_You'll get no_ **

**_You'll get no_ **

**_You'll get no commercials_ **

**_Oompa loompa doompety da_ **

**_If you're not greedy you will go far_ **

**_You will live in happiness too_ **

**_Like the - Oompa -_ **

**_Oompa Loompa Doompety do_ **

“And that’s the last of the music,” Roman sighed.

**Willy Wonka then led them outside his office, saying, “So much to do, so much to do, invoices and bills, letters… I must answer that note from the queen.”**

**“Mr. Wonka, what’s gonna happen to the other kids?” Charlie asked. “Augustus, Veruca?”**

“He’s still so concerned with their safety, even Veruca, who he himself expressed his irritation towards!” Roman exclaimed.

“From that alone, Wonka should have known Charlie was worthy of inheriting the factory,” Patton agreed. “He didn’t need to put him through another test… Especially not one that would’ve scared him as much as being yelled at.”

**Wonka reassured them that the children would be fine, and then he told them where they could find the stairs. “I’m terribly busy. Whole day wasted. Goodbye to you both. Goodbye,” he said, before heading into his office alone.**

“What a rude way of handling it,” Virgil commented. “So, would Charlie have won, had he and his grandpa just left right then, not pursuing more?”

“Only if he didn’t give away the Everlasting Gobstopper for money,” Janus replied.

**“What happened?” Charlie asked, looking sad and worried. “Did we do something wrong?”**

“Does he not remember the Fizzy Lifting Drinks?!”

**“I don’t know, Charlie. But I’m gonna find out,” Grandpa Joe said firmly, opening the door to Wonka’s office.**

“What a good man,” Roman said.

**When Grandpa Joe and Charlie walked into Mr. Wonka’s office, they saw that most objects in the room were cut in half. Pictures hanging on the wall were cut in half; the safe was cut in half; the calendar, the wall clock, the sink, the lamp, the desk -- everything. The walls were alternating between plain white and a yellow flowery design. The ticking sound of the clock was all that could be heard -- everything else was eerily silent in Wonka’s little room.**

“The room was originally going to be an ordinary office, but the juxtaposition between the uniqueness of the factory and the ordinary appearance of the office would have been too strange, so it was decided that everything in the room would be cut in half,” Logan explained. “At one point, someone brought in a coffee machine to use while taking a break, and someone started cutting the machine in half, thinking it belonged as part of the set.”

**Grandpa Joe hesitantly approached him, standing as close to the desk as he could get, so he wasn’t speaking to Wonka from behind. Willy Wonka was writing with his left arm propping up his head, looking tired, or perhaps annoyed.**

**“Mr. Wonka?”**

**“I am extraordinarily busy, sir.”**

**“I just wanted to ask about the chocolate… The lifetime supply of chocolate for Charlie. When does he get it?”** **  
** **“He doesn’t.”**

**“Why not?”** **  
** **“Because he broke the rules,” Wonka replied, sitting up, his voice bordering the line between calm rationality and anger.**

**“What rules?” Grandpa Joe demanded, his voice rising. “We didn’t see any rules, did we, Charlie?”**

“How can you be so dense?” Janus sighed.

**“Wrong, sir, wrong!” Willy Wonka yelled, his face pink with frustration. Janus spoke the lines along with him, reciting them from heart. “Under section 37b of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void, if --” Wonka rose to his feet and headed over to the safe, taking out a copy of the contract. “-- and you can read it for yourself in this photstatic copy --” He took out a magnifying glass and began reading. “-- ‘I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licences, herein and herein contained, etcetera etcetera, fax, mentis, incendium, gloria culpum, etcetera etcetera -- memo bis punitor delicatum!’” He threw the magnifying glass and contract on the desk and turned his head to Grandpa Joe. “It’s all there, black and white, clear as crystal!” He pointed angrily. “You stole Fizzy Lifting Drinks!” He shot a glare just as vicious at poor Charlie. “You bumped into the ceiling, which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir!”**

Janus leaned back in his seat, hardly realizing that he’d leaned forward and was practically shouting along with Wonka on screen. He noticed the other sides looking at him and felt his face heating up. “What?” he asked, semi-defensively. “It’s a good legal lesson. And very quotable.”

Virgil looked unconvinced. “Uh-huh.”

**“You’re a crook. You’re a cheat and a swindler!”** Roman yelled at Janus, along with Grandpa Joe.  **“That’s what you are! How can you do a thing like this?! Build up a little boy’s hopes, and then smash all his dreams to pieces?! You’re an inhuman monster!”**

**“I said good day!”** Wonka and Janus screamed back.

“You two are way too dramatic,” Virgil said.

“Interestingly enough, while rehearsing this scene, Gene Wilder held back and acted more disappointed than angry,” Logan stated. “When he actually screamed at them during filming, their shocked reactions were more genuine. Of course, as I’ve mentioned earlier, this tactic was often used in the filming, but I find it interesting enough to mention here as well.”

**Wonka then turned back to his writing, finished with the conversation. Grandpa Joe, realizing there was nothing left that could be done, said, “Come on, Charlie, Let’s get out of here.” He took Charlie’s arm and led him to the door. “I’ll get even with him, if it’s the last thing I ever do. Slugworth wants a Gobstopper? He’ll get one.” Grandpa Joe opened the door and stepped out, but Charlie didn’t move. He slowly turned back to Willy Wonka, his eyes teary but his heart set on what he was about to do.**

**Charlie walked back to Willy Wonka’s desk, slowly but alone, and stood where Grandpa Joe had stood. Wonka didn’t make any sign that he had acknowledged him. “Mr. Wonka?” Charlie reached in his pocket and took out the Everlasting Gobstopper. He then placed it on the end of the desk, a single act that made Wonka’s hand stop moving. Charlie then walked back toward the door, not expecting anything else to happen, resigned to continuing his life as poor as he’d always been, preferring to accept the world as it was than seek revenge.**

“More people in this world need to be like Charlie!” Patton cried. “Go, Hufflepuff!”

Roman paused to think it over. “... You’re right -- Charlie doesn’t fit any other house.”

“Imagine how different this film would be, had Charlie had the personality of a Slytherin,” Janus said.

**Wonka’s hand reached out to cover the Gobstopper. “So shines a good deed in a weary world,” he murmured quietly. He spun around suddenly. “Charlie,” he called out. Charlie turned, looking concerned. Willy Wonka merely smiled. “My boy.” The smile widened with excitement. “You’ve won!” He exclaimed, extending his arms out to the side. “You did it! You did it!” He jumped to his feet and picked up Charlie, spinning him around in a circle. “I knew you would! I just knew you would!” He placed Charlie down, his face looking remorseful. “Oh, Charlie, forgive me for putting you through this. Please forgive me.”**

“I mean, it’s hard not to forgive the guy who’s letting you inherit his world-renowned business and live in luxury for the rest of your life,” Roman pointed out.

**Wonka turned to the open door and yelled, “Come in, Mr. Wilkinson!” The man from the beginning, who had introduced himself as Slugworth, came forward. “Charlie, meet Mr. Wilkinson.”** **  
** **“Pleasure.” The man gave him a thumbs-up.**

**“Slugworth?!”**

**“No, no, that’s not Slugworth -- he works for me!” Wonka replied.**

**“For you?”** **  
** **“I had to test you, Charlie. And you passed the test. You won!” A bright smile made its way onto Charlie’s face. He had no idea just what he’d won, but he was happy regardless.**

**“Won what?”** **  
** **“The jackpot, my dear sir, the grand and glorious jackpot.”**

**“The chocolate?” Charlie asked hopefully.**

**“The chocolate, yes, the chocolate, but that's just the beginning! We have to get on, we have to get on; we have so much time, and so little to do.” He paused. “Strike that. Reverse it.” He left the room, gesturing for them to follow. “This way, please!”**

“They’re just leaving Mr. Wilkinson standing in the middle of the room,” Roman pointed out.

“Charlie will have plenty of time to get to know him in the future, as his boss,” Logan replied.

**“We'll take the Wonkavator. Step in, Charlie. Grandpa Joe, sir.” They stepped into a yellow, strangely-shaped container that looked similar to a carnival ride pod, such as from a Ferris Wheel or the Zipper, from the outside. “This is the Great Glass Wonkavator.”**

**“It's an elevator.”**

**“It's a Wonkavator.” Willy Wonka smiled at Grandpa Joe, amused by his wonder. “An elevator can only go up and down, but the Wonkavator can go sideways and slantways and longways and backways--”**

**“And frontways?” Charlie asked.**

**“-- and squareways and frontways and any other ways that you can think of. It can take you to any room in the whole factory just by pressing one of these buttons. Any of these buttons. Just press a button and ZING! You're off.” He paused. “And up until now I've pressed them all . . . except one.” He pointed up at a button that looked rather similar to the button in the back of buses that would be pressed during bus evacuation drills. “This one. Go ahead, Charlie.”**

**“Me?”**

**“Of course, you!” Roman shouted.**

“It’s all about you, girl!” Remus shouted in a high-pitched voice.

Roman chimed in, getting the reference immediately. “On your sixteenth birthday!”

“Goodness, you’re all so childish,” Logan muttered.

Patton joined in cheerfully. “Pay attention to you, girl! Everyone has to do just what you say!”

Roman jumped to his feet and conjured a microphone, striking a singing pose. “You’ve got your very own spotlight tonight, ‘cause it’s all about you!” He pointed at Virgil. “Yeah, it’s all about Virge!”

“Why is it always me?” He groaned.

“Because you make it so easy,” Janus replied. He waved an arm and all three of the singers were silenced.

“Thanks,” Virgil said, flashing him a grin.

Once the button was pressed, a siren-like sound began to sound off in the background, as the Wonkavator compartment began to shake. They all held on to the sides of the Wonkavator, confused as to what was happening.

**“There it goes. Hold on tight. I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen.” He looked up at a speedometer. “Faster, faster . . . If we don't pick up enough speed, we'll never get through.”**

**“Get through what?” Charlie asked.**

**“Ah-ha!” Wonka pointed upward.**

“The pearly white gates!” Remus exclaimed. “Imagine if he was  _ actually  _ trying to kill all the children.”

“He could get away with it, too,” Roman lamented. Patton blanched.

**Grandpa Joe looked at him in disbelief. “You mean we're going . . .?**

**“Up and out!”**

**“But this roof is made of glass. It'll shatter into a thousand pieces. We'll be cut to ribbons!”**

**“Probably.”**

“Only Remus would be that calm in a situation like that,” Virgil said.

“I dunno; if I were Charlie, I’d trust just about anything Mr. Wonka put us through,” Patton remarked. “Not listening to and trusting him was everyone else’s mistake.”

**“Hold on, everybody!” Wonka exclaimed. “Here it comes!”**

**Seconds later, the Wonkavator crashed through the glass roof and flew into the sky.**

“This is the second least believable part of the whole movie,” Logan stated. “Only being surpassed by Mike Teavee’s survival. Willy Wonka is a chocolate confectioner -- he should not be an inventor of air travel.”

**“You did it, Mr. Wonka, congratulations!” Grandpa Joe excitedly shook Willy Wonka’s hand, while he simply stood there, looking smug.**

**“Get up. Take a look,” he told them. Charlie and Grandpa Joe stood up and peered out at their city from above.**

**“Grandpa, our town looks so pretty from up here!”**

**“Yeah, look over here, Charlie. I think I see our house.”**

**“Wow.”**

**“It really looks beautiful.”**

**“There's my school, Grandpa.”**

**While they were observing the city from above, Willy Wonka was watching Charlie. “How did you like the chocolate factory, Charlie?” he asked.**

**“I think it’s the most wonderful place in the whole world,” he responded, smiling, grateful that he had the chance to experience it.**

“He’s such a perfect bean,” Patton said, awwing with his palms pressed against his cheeks.

**“I'm very pleased to hear you say that,” Willy Wonka said softly, as Charlie turned back to examine the world below him. “Because I'm giving it to you.” Charlie’s head whipped back to look at him in shock. He turned to his grandfather, and then back at Mr. Wonka, too shocked to say anything. “That's all right, isn't it?” Wonka asked, unable to stop smiling at Charlie’s reaction.**

**Grandpa Joe looked just as amazed. “You're giving Charlie the--?”**

**“I can't go on forever, and I don't really want to try,” Wonka explained.**

“One of the wisest lines in fiction,” Logan stated. Remus and Patton nodded in agreement, but Roman, Virgil, and Janus exchanged disagreeing looks. It was only in their nature to cling to life. It was part of their roles in helping Thomas.

**“So, who can I trust to run the factory when I leave and take care of the Oompa Loompas for me? Not a grownup. A grownup would want to do everything his own way, not mine. That's why I decided a long time ago I had to find a child. A very honest, loving child to whom I can tell all my most precious candy making secrets.”**

**“And that's why you sent out the Golden Tickets,” Charlie realized.**

**“That's right. So the factory's yours, Charlie; you can move in immediately.”**

“But what if Charlie lacks imagination and isn’t even good at making up chocolate and recipes?” Roman asked. “Being a good person won’t help him with all that.”   
Patton shook his head. “I don’t think it’s possible to live in the chocolate factory without growing a vivid imagination. I’m sure everything will turn out just fine for our little kiddo.”

**“And me?” Grandpa Joe asked.**

**“Absolutely,” Wonka replied.**

“What if Grandpa Joe had been as bad as the other parents?” Virgil wondered. “Would he have still been allowed to live there?”

**“What happens to the rest of--”**

**“The whole family. I want you to bring them all,” Wonka told him. Ecstatic, Charlie hugged him, and Wonka wrapped his arms around him, squeezing his eyes shut as he smiled.**

“He hasn’t been able to trust very many people, his whole life,” Patton realized, looking sympathetic. “This is the only time we’ve seen Willy Wonka let down his guard.”

“I’ve… never considered that before.” Roman looked at Wonka, his heart aching.

“Truly, you’ve  _ never  _ realized the complex trust issues inherent in his character?” Janus rolled his eyes. “All of his actions throughout the movie are evidence of his loneliness and a tendency to push others away as harsh as he can, and see who refuses to be fooled by his attitude. That’s how he found the child with a heart of gold.”

**“But Charlie…” Wonka pulled him away just enough to look at him. “Don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted.”**

**“What happened?” Charlie asked.**

**“He lived happily ever after,” he said calmly.**

“Not true,” Janus replied. Everyone glared at him. “Fine, fine -- I take it back.”

**Charlie went in for another hug and Willy Wonka smiled like the happiest man in the world. The instrumental for ‘Pure Imagination’ kicked up as the camera focused on the Wonkavator floating higher and higher in the sky.**

“They should  _ really  _ stop it from going any higher,” Remus pointed out.

“Ugh. We can’t have  _ one  _ happy ending without some dark side or other spoiling it?” Roman huffed, throwing his hands up in frustration.

“Roman!” Patton gasped. “Apologize to your brother at once!”

“Never!” Roman cried. Remus jumped on his back, sending him to the floor, and pulled Roman’s arm up behind him.

“Do it!” Remus shrieked.

“Do your worst!” Roman snapped.

“Do  _ not _ ,” Logan warned.

“Remus.” Janus’s eyes were flickering. He tapped his cane against the floor. “Enough.”

Remus giggled as he let go and hopped to his feet, with a surprising lack of struggle. “And so we see who the true parents of the household are!”

Roman jumped to his feet soon after, rubbing his arm. “A-ha! Logan is  _ absolutely  _ one of the parents!”

Remus frowned. “Hmmm. But are there two moms, or two dads? Or is there a step-parent?”

“Who’s the most likely to have a disjointed relationship?” Virgil asked, though it was a rhetorical question. All eyes fell on Janus and Patton.

“So it’s decided! Logan’s the step-dad!” Remus exclaimed, pointing at the logical side, who rolled his eyes and chose to fiddle with his tie rather than respond.

“Alright, kiddos, that’s enough,” Patton said with a fatherly smile, rising to his feet and heading toward the kitchen. “Who wants brownies and ice cream?”

“I do!”

“Only if it’s horse flesh flavored!”

“Ew, gross!”

“It’s an actual flavor! Look it up!”

“No one is eating horse flesh ice cream, Remus.”

“Boo, you whore!”

“*gasp* Remus, how dare you quote  _ Mean Girls _ ! That’s my thing!”

“I want out of this family.”

“I deny my existence in this family.”

“Everyone hug Virgil and Janus!”

_ “Sh*t! Run!” _

“Out of the way, nerd!”

“Excu--  _ hey _ !”

“Remus, give me back my hat, or I’ll--  _ umf _ !”

“I got ‘anus pinned down! It’s up to you, Ro bro!”

“Virgil, unlock the door! I wish to smother you!”

“Any last words, Jannie?”

“I hate all of you.”

Patton giggled as he preheated the oven, listening in amusement to the ensuing chaos spreading throughout their home. A happy warmth surged in his chest simultaneously with the oven. “Gosh, I love my famILY.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> {Apologies for any mistakes or rushed parts; this story took a lot out of me. I don't think I'll be doing another spontaneous movie reaction for a long, long while -- I have some planned for October and December because they're holiday-centric, but those might have to be scrapped depending on how much time and effort they take to write, along with my other stories. This one was almost too much that sometimes it didn't feel fun, and if I stop having fun, the quality takes a dive. (Key word being "almost" -- I did overall enjoy writing this. :)) However, I feel like I've learned a lot from this experience, both trivia-wise and writing-wise, and so I don't regret it at all. I hope you've enjoyed it.  
> Anyway, if you're following this series, thanks for sticking around! More will be coming, of course, but no new stories for a long while, since the Hamilton reaction story and the Kingdom Hearts story are still going. There will be a complementary series called Sanders Sides Play Nuzlockes (or I might simply call it Sanders Sides Gaming and move the Kingdom Hearts reactions there -- who knows? Let me know if you have an opinion. Can a story be part of more than one series?), which will be my next new stories, probably coming out late this month or early next month. Other than that, no new stories will be posted until my October month challenge. Just a little note.  
> I hope you all are doing well as this cursed year of 2020 comes closer to a close. Stay safe and healthy!}


End file.
